Current mood:
frustrated
I hate to gripe, and I feel like this negative entity that is dragging everything down with her, but I wanted to share my feelings, espl for those of you who are asking about me. I am still very frustrated at the moment; I am exactly where I was at Christmas. I haven't changed in weight, inches, or fat loss. I have done everything that I can possibly think of to make this work. I ate really good; no pizza, candy, sugar, or sweets of any kind for a month; then I went to see Danny. He wanted me to cut out my starchy carbs after 2, and add more protein, so I did that. Then it was add more water, so I did that. Then it was cut out the caffeine, which I did (except for my half a cup of coffee in the morning, which kinda helps me go to the bathroom, so I'll drink an extra glass of water to make up for it). Now, here I am, 2 full months into the new year, and haven't budged a single quarter of an inch. So, I'm frustrated, and I feel like giving up. I feel like, this isn't working, its not worth it, I should be DONE!! I am 2 weeks away from my daughter's birthday party; that was my goal date!! I should be done, but I'm not. It was supposed to be easy, remember! Simple but not easy. I knew what to do, and I did it, and it didn't work. Now what? I went on a binge this past week; over the weekend, I had more candy than I care to remember, ate pizza, had cake, had fried foods, and guess what?! Nothing happened! It didn't all come rushing back; as a matter of fact, I lost 3 lbs as of Tuesday morning!! Of course, since I started working out again on Tuesday night, its all back again. I did yoga tuesday, met up with Danny on wednesday, and picked up on my running this morning, and those 3 lbs that magically disappear when I stop working out crept back on. I try to talk to Danny about this, but he thinks I'm not giving it enough time. I've been at this since SEPTEMBER, I should be DONE!! I should be at my goal right now, or very nearly there, and all I have to show for this effort is 10 lbs, lost BEFORE christmas, before I started really cracking down on myself, and recording every little morsel, and really cutting out the sugar and the caffeine, and the pizza, and the bad carbs. I was afraid to cut all that stuff out before, because I knew it would work, but then it would come right back on when I tried to slowly readd it, even for just once or twice a month. But, I did it, because I thought it was worth it, if I could just lose this weight, it would be worth not having sugar in my tea, and it would be worth not eating french fries, and it would be worth not eating pizza again! But it didn't work, so now where do I go from here? Everything in my life feels like its suffering right now because I have stopped to take the time to go to the gym. My work is suffering; therefore my paycheck is suffering. My husband is talking about working overtime, and getting a second job, but it should be ME who has to shoulder the load, because its my fault that we are struggling right now!! Because I take 2 hours every day to workout. and then come home, and take a shower, and its nearly 11 by the time I sit down to work!! And sometimes, I am soo tired, I can't even accomplish that! So, he's talking of getting a second job, so I feel like somethings gotta give, and guess what that something is going to be?! Its gotta be the gym, its the only "luxury" I have going right now, besides sleep, that can be cut to make more time for me to work extra. and I hate to do it, but you know, it shouldn't take 2 hours a day to get where you want. AND, it probably wouldn't be so damn disheartening if it actually worked, but its not!! Craig B says to take 45 minutes a day, 3 days a week to do your strength training and intervals, and then 30 minutes a day on the other days for aerobics. I WISH! but, I want this. I want to be healthy, and lean, and fat free, and I want to look good in shorts, and I want to be able to wear a bathing suit this summer, and I don't want a triple bypass at 39 like my dad, and I don't want to die at 46 of a brain aneurysm like my mom. So I keep trudging along, trying new things, changing things up, hoping that eventually, I will come up with the right combination for me that will unlock the lock that has so tightly kept the fat on my body. I'm drowning, guys, and I don't see a life boat in sight.
curious 
nostalgic 
