Update - Oh Crap

Update -

Well, here's an update on the lovely hot water leak situation. First of all, neither of us has ever lived on a slab, and my dad hasn't either. So, we didn't really know how exactly to go about doing this. So, we called a few people, one of them being the person who lived here before us, cause I remember walking in the kitchen once with them having a giant hole in the floor before. So, he told us what they did was listened to the floor, followed the pattern of hot water until they found the leak, listened, and then basically just busted up the concrete to find it. he says they have had 5 of these leaks to fix, and only once were they ever completely off by like 2 feet. So, you bust up the concrete, braise the pipes to fix them, and voila! Simple, right?

Ha. Everything is simple in theory. Its the actual doing of it that's not so simple.

I think we spent a good....4 hours looking for the leak. We turned the water on, tried to follow the sounds. Well, we couldn't HEAR anything, because we could hear it everywhere! We then let it sit in the hot water heater for a while so we could follow the heat. Every once in a while, he'd come ask my opinion of something, and of course me being me, I couldn't really tell anything. I mean, yeah, the floor got hot in the closet first. But, its pretty close to the hot water heater, so maybe it hasn't had time to spread yet??

I don't know how he finally determined it, but he made his decision of where to break the tiles and start drilling. And of course, all this is punctuated by breaks to Lowes to buy more tools. So, he gets started drilling about 430. This is such slow going. An hour later, he decided to get a bigger drill bit. An hour and a half later, we are rewarded with the sight and sound of gurgling water. YAY!! We hit it on our first try! Thank GOD!

Then, we come to the realization that what we found is a COLD water leak. Hmmm, weren't we looking for a hot water leak? He does all the usual checking, and yes, this is not a hot water leak, what we were looking for, this is a cold water leak. So now, we aren't sure if we found the right spot, or if this is just another leak we didn't know about.

He finished drilling a bit more, and after a while, he was able to stick his hand in there, have me turn on the hot water, and realize that YESS, this is where the hot water leak is, too!!

I don't even know how long he spent on this thing Saturday night, cause I'm a light weight and went to bed at 10:30. But he stayed up, finished drilling the hole in the concrete so that when he got up Saturday morning, all he needed to do was go to Lowes, buy the whatever whatever to fix it, and fix it. *SIGH*

So far, we're only out the cost of a few tools, but, how is that a bad thing for him, right? It hasn't been too bad, but we haven't had to buy the concrete or tiles to fix the floor, yet, so we will see.

So, he's gotten the tape stuff, whatever it's called, silicone, or whatever, to try to fix the pipes. That was a no-go, so he's going to have to braise them. In order to braise them, he's going to have to make the hole bigger, and that is such an ordeal. So, the plan, for now, is that I'm going to have a big ass hole in my kitchen floor for a week, until he can spend next weekend working on it.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, the destruction of my kitchen floor.

Well, Crap

Well, crap.
I mean, really. Is it too much to ask for a nice, normal, BORING life? I mean, dang it. It's something every day.

I've been stressed out about Christmas for the kids this year, we are really hurting, with both of our jobs. There seems to be some new drama at the clinic every day I go in there; Tuesday, Corrie fell and broke her leg, and we are all going to have to scramble to make up for her loss, yesterday we had the Sevo leak, and today I had to go to the EC for 3 hours for blood work, and now this.

I came home from the clinic early, cause quite frankly, we were dead. We had canceled all the surgery procedures because the machine was on the fritz, and we really just didn't have anything to do. So I come home, and change my clothes, and go to the bathroom, and I can hear water running in the pipes. So, I thought maybe the kids didn't shut off the water in the tub, or maybe the toilet in the other bathroom was running again. I check every faucet we have; all the ones outside, the washing machine, everything. Can't find where its coming from. Driving me CRAZY, cause it sounds like a lot of water. At first I thought it was the ice machine, but like I said, I couldn't pinpoint the location, because I could hear it in all the walls near the faucets. and it just continued on.

Then, later through the day, as I'm walking through my kitchen, its very odd; there are a few hot spots on the tile. Now, let me tell you; there is nothing like walking on a cold tile floor, and then coming across a warm one. So, I"m wandering around, tracing the pattern, trying to figure out WTH is going on.

Later, when the kids were taking a shower, they were complaining that there was no hot water in the shower. Oh, CRAP. I mean, dammit. really. So, I start wandering around, looking for the hot water heater, cause I didn't know where it was, and I finally found it. And I found the source of the noise of the water running. Its coming from the hot water heater.

No, the hot water heater didn't bust. We'd be better off if it had; then all we'd have to replace was the hot water heater. No, this is much, much worse...

So, after talking to my dad a bit, bouncing off ideas, trying to figure out what is going on, I went and had "lunch" with Jon, and told him about it. and he thinks that the hot water pipe leading to the washing machine busted somewhere. So, he wants me to check the meter when I get home. And, yeah, its spinning. Great, we've established we have a leak. WTF do I do about it running up my water and gas bill until we get it fixed??

I call my dad up, and talk to him about it. He wants to come into town to turn my water off (he lives an hour away, its already 830, I don't think so). I start talking outloud, trying to establish a few ideas. So, I start asking him if I can turn off the gas going to the hot water heater, cause I don't want 2 outrageously high bills this month. So, he tells me its ok to turn off the gas to the hot water heater, which I do, and can hear shutting off instantly. You wouldn't believe the heat coming off this thing at this point. So, I go sit back down, and I can still hear the water, and then I say, can I turn off the water TO the hot water, without turning off the water to the house? I figured that out, and it worked. No more rushing water through the pipes in the walls. But now, we have no hot water, and I have no freaking idea where that leak is. Surely, its under the slab somewhere, cause, you know, why not, right? Why not make it even more difficult for us. I don't even know how to begin to go about fixing that, and neither does my dad, which is a shocker; he's the know everything man.

So, yeah, I'm not looking very hopeful at Christmas at this point. Its not like we can chose, Christmas or hot water. This is something that is going to have to be fixed now, this weekend, or we are going to have to find somewhere else to take showers for a while.

And, needless to say, my diet is out the window tonight. With all this stress, I am drinking me some hot chocolate, and going to bed.

Wow. What a day already. I just got back from the clinic. Apparently, the anesthesia machine at work had a leak in it. We've been having problems for about 3 weeks now with patient's waking up almost immediately from their procedures, and yesterday, they found out it was leaking. So, EVERYONE from the clinic, for a liability thing, had to go to the emergency clinic down the road for an EKG and blood work. Man, oh man, was that a nice waste of 3 hrs this morning! And plus, since the anesthesia machine was down, we didn't have any surgeries to do. So, we were really dead. But, I did get to come home early, which I like.

My note from the universe this morning...

In virtually all person-to-person relationships, Amanda, disappointments can be lessened, setbacks can be regained, and little annoyances can be brushed off, when one stops and realizes that such relationships are always temporary.

Physically speaking.

Still day 3

So, I feel like a complete and utter loser. And not the good kind, the one that's losing. The kind that makes all the B choices, from Lyndyn's DT. I consciously made the choice to eat a bad dinner. I had a good hour to talk myself out of it, but I was so miserable all day. I didn't go overboard; I didn't eat chocolate, or candy, or ice cream, but I did eat something that I shouldn't have, and now I feel ... desolate, I suppose. Its just that feeling that I can't win this fight, this will always be me, because I can't even convince my own body that it doesn't need any of that stuff long enough to lose all this weight. And I know, I keep thinking about Daniela's words about how there are no "Cheat" meals, this has to be a way of life, and I know, that eating 2 pieces of pizza with the thinnest crust that could be hammered out without ripping is not the end of the world, but I still failed. I'm not quitting, I'm still going to get up tomorrow, eat my eggs and turkey sausage for breakie, eat my turkey burger for lunch, and my salmon for dinner. But it is still very disheartening to stumble so early in the game.

One thing I learned while doing kimkins was how easy it was, in the beginning, for me to lose; all I had to do was just eat the meat. And then, another thing I learned, as I lost more weight and became sort of comfortable in my skin for a moment, and started cheating, was that cheating, or eating carbs, doesn't really harm me all that much. I am not carb sensitive. Thats why I have been able to go the past 6 months without gaining; until the last month, in which I've gained 4 lbs above my ticker weight. Not bad for someone who ate like it was her last day on earth. And that is what I need when I go on a diet; I need to learn moderation. It honestly doesn't matter what I eat; as long as I don't gorge myself on whatever it is. But the low-carb way was easy for me to lose weight, and its easy not to gorge yourself on something when your practically sick of it anyway. Plus, the ketosis thing is a great appetite killer. So, the problem is, I know what I need to do. The question is, can I do it.

Day 3

Well, its day 3, and I'm feeling it. Man, oh, man, I need something to help me through this day. Day 3 and day 7 are the hardest for me; they are the days when my body, goes "Ok, this isn't funny anymore. Give me some damn chocolate!!" and I'm so weak, I really want some. I ate a HUGE breakfast; 2 turkey sausage patties (the homemade recipe) a low carb pancake, coffee, and then I mixed up some cream cheese with some pumpkin, then I ate some turkey meat, and my stomach is still rumbling around. I don't think I'm HUNGRY hungry, but my body is determined to get something good.

Yesterday afternoon was interesting; it was drawing on 12 oclock, and I was looking at the clock, going, UGH. Its time to eat, but I'm not interested. So I waited a while. I got really weak feeling, though, so had to force myself to eat something at 1, which made me feel a little better; I didn't eat it all, though. Guess I just need to stay busy; which is hard to do at home, you don't necessarily make yourself stay busy when your thoughts are filled with chocolate.

I've sort of picked back up on my writing, something I've always liked doing, and I've seem to have an abundance of ideas lately, so I'm trying to use that as a distraction today. at least I'm home to be able to work on it, but if I was at the clinic, I'd be too busy to think about food!

Day 2

Well, exercise has been a bust for the last 2 days. Yesterday, I was so busy, running around; it always seems to take longer than I anticipate when doing stuff like that, so your running around crazy trying to get it all done. I got home from the plasma center, and typed up a story I had been working on; by then, it was time to take my daughter to dance, and then it was 7, and time for dinner, and I didn't even think about it ONCE! Ha.

Today, I had to work at the clinic, and boy, was today a rough day. I walked in to the new that my coworker, a girl that I went to high school with, was on her way to work, was taking her trash out of her house, walking down the sidewalk, when she slipped and fell (I"m assuming it was icy) down the stairs, and broke her leg. Well, obviously she wasn't coming in to work, and she equals like 3 of us, so we were all running around work today. Later on, we found out she had broken her femur in 2 places, spiral fractures, requiring surgery for pins and rods. Can you say, not coming to work for a while?? Wow. Everyone is stressed at the sudden loss of our best and most experienced pet nurse. We are all scrambling to make up her shifts, and so they are going to be pulling me in to work extra shifts.

So, needless to say, I am tired today, but I'm always tired after working the clinic. Its a lot of standing around and struggling with animals, trying to make them be still so we can stick a needle in their jugular and draw blood, and most of them outweigh my children. So, can I count that as a workout? 8 hours on my feet, practically nonstop? I mean, yeah, I had time to sit down and scarf down a bunless turkey burger, but man, does my back hurt after days like today.

And I'm making the kids dinner, and I just really really want a bite of that mac and cheese. Please, don't do it! I will regret it as soon as its all gone!!

Starting

Well, its monday. Looking forward to getting started, I'm already nervous. So very nervous that I'm going to fall off when I should stay on. I'm having my coffee now, will have turkey sausage and eggs for breakfast; salmon for lunch, and chicken chili for dinner. I have to take daughter to dance today, and also was planning on going to the plasma center to donate; we will see how that goes. I had also planned on doing weights today; only problem with that is the room the weights are in is not insulated, and we have the vents closed to it, because its a waste of energy; in the summer, we have a window AC unit, but nothing for the winter, yet. Its going to be cold in there, and I'm such a baby in the cold weather. I will really have to force myself to do it, or find a suitable replacement exercise that I can do in the living room, where its warm wink.gif

December

Wow, December already. I can't even believe it. Shoot, I couldn't believe it on Tuesday when I was looking at a calendar, and realized Saturday was going to be the first. This year, especially the last few months, have been really hard on us, and I'm still hoping for the best for some semblance of a Christmas this year.

I was thinking about it in the shower this morning; actually, I'm always thinking about it, how I'd like to get back on the wagon and continue my weight loss, and lose the rest of this weight hanging on me. I have a workout plan all written down and ready to go; now I just gotta do it. But I was thinking this morning, about how some people might put it off; well, its about to be Christmas, and I know I'm going to eat the bad stuff at Christmas, so I'll just wait for the new year before I start. I say, WHY?? As far as I'm concerned, there are 25 days between now and Christmas. Christmas is 1 day, not a whole month. And, Yeah, I'm going to eat me some pumpkin cheesecake, and dressing, and sweet potatoes for Christmas dinner. But that's it. And, its in 25 days. I should be able to lose at least 10 lbs in 25 days, right? So, I am going to put this in writing, and hope that this makes me more accountable. I've also joined the December challenge, and as it is a Saturday, and its really hard to start things on Saturday, I am hoping that I will post there every day my status. Regardless of good or bad. and, of course, I'll post here, too. But, my goal is to start my workout calender MONDAY. No more stalling; that sucker's been written out for at least a month now. It's HIGH time I put it into good use. Also, starting Tomorrow, since I've already screwed up today, and I need to go to the grocery store tonight anyway, I am getting back on the low-carb wagon. I've been checking out all the recipes, and that flax muffin looks like it might be a lifesaver for breakfast mornings; before, when I got tired of eggs, all I could think of was protein powder mixed with ice and coffee. Not very fulfilling, very long.

So, here it is. My plan for December. Starting tomorrow, I'm low-carbing it. Starting Monday, I'm working out according to my workout calender I've already made for myself. Today, and tomorrow, I am going to spend more time working on food ideas; Monday, my husband starts back at work on second shift, so not only do I have to adjust to making dinner for just me and the kids, but also need to figure out what I'm going to make. In the past, when its just been me and the kids, I make them the kid stuff, mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, and then end up not making myself something, so I have work on that. I definitely need to make up some stuff to have on hand to heat and eat, for sure.

Here's to a weight-losing December.

ETA: Start weight, 179 lbs

A little release...

I typed this up last week, and debated about whether to post it somewhere, but then I realized that I always need this stuff to look back on and have for comparison later in my journey.

I'm very unhappy right now. I can't seem to find time to do anything I want to do for me, yet I am unable to complete the things that I am spending all my time doing. I am working 2 jobs; not that its doing me any good. I'm not necessarily making any more money than I was with just the 1; I need the 1, but I'm not making any money at it, simply because i'm not working as hard at it as I should be. I have the second job because it's a job doing something I love to do, doing something I've always wanted to do; yet I am very unhappy there, as well, mainly because of the people and all the bullshit they carry with them that I have to deal with, regardless of if it actually has something to do with me. So, I wake up at 4, start my 1 job. I'm supposed to be working from 4-8, then 4-8 on this job, but it never works out that way; this is a job that I have never been able to do set in time constraints. You have to just tell me what to do, and then let me do it, in my own time. If you tell me to work 7-3, or whatever, I will work 7-3, but I won't necessarily get my work done. If you want me to do 2000 lines a day, let me get on and off as I please, and I can guarantee you it will get done. Just don't expect me to do both, because that's not how I am.

So, I'm up at 4, working. But I'm not working straight through, cause I have to get the kids up, and then they are eating breakfast, and dragging ass, and I'm constantly on them; put up your dishes, get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, get your backpack, leave that alone. Like every day its something new. Then, around 615 I have to take my husband to work, which takes about 20 minutes of my morning. Now, depending on if I have to work at the clinic or not that day, once I get home, I have about 15 minutes before I have to leave the house to go to my second job. So, in this time, I'm making sure the kids are ready, whether or not that includes making them lunch or making sure they have everything, and then me a breakfast, and getting dressed, and brushing my teeth and hair, and hurriedly packing a lunch, and then running out the door. So, somehow, I've only managed to work about an hour and a half in that 3-hour time frame. So, at 7 I go to my second job. Which is great, I love Corrie, and I like Kristina, and I don't mind Able or Dr. Greer. I love the animals, I love talking to them, and calming them through this very terrifying experience of theirs. In all reality, I should probably quit this job, because its not doing me any favors. I'm wasting gas going to this job, I'm wasting time I could be working at my other job, which pays me twice as much when I get my ass in gear, and most of the people up there at the clinic strike some kind of anger chord in me, and I just know one of these days I'm going to end up slamming my elbow into somebody's nose accidentally-on purpose. but, I can't bring myself to quit, for several reasons. I get free care for my pets; since started working there, I have acquired 1 more dog and 2 more cats. Granted, I don't plan on keeping the cats, I'm just caring for them because they are really expensive exotic stud cats for a breeder, and I'm going to get a kitten out of the deal, but at this point, I'm rethinking the whole arrangement. 2 studs in 1 house does not make for a happy me. They are going around pissing on everything. They are literally having a pissing contest, and my house is what is getting sprayed. I've managed to contain the situation as of yesterday; I had Jon put the door back on to the "playroom", and that is where they stay. Strangely, they don't piss on anything in there. They fight at least once a day, and then take turns mounting each other. I'm assuming they are having a dominance issue, but I don't care. I just want them gone; if they were mine, their nuts would be cut off. At this point, I have to suffer through it until I decide what I want to do. I know what I want to do, but I don't think Jon is willing to go for it, because that would include me getting another cat, a female, knocking her up, and then getting rid of the 2 studs. BECAUSE, then we would have another cat that he doesn't want, plus all the babies that she's going to have that he doesn't want. *SIGH*

So, at this point, I'm a little stressed out about money, and honestly, we've been in this situation for a while, we've just managed to run from it till now. Now, we have a house. That we've bought, we aren't renting any more. And granted, the house payment is a bit more than the rent payment was, but we don't have a water bill, a sewer bill, a trash bill, and we got our car insurance lowered down, so now with the house insurance, its the same as it was before. But I seem to be doing worse, and I realize the situation we are in is my fault. Jon hasn't been bringing home less money; I have. And all I have to do is get my ass on the computer and do the work. But I have these moments, where I think of something else that needs to be done; a bill needs to be paid, a blog needs to be typed, a book needs to be looked up, or something else on the computer to do with something other than my work. And then, before I know it, its 2 oclock, I've sat here for nearly 8 hours straight, and have less than 1-hours worth of work to show for it.

So today, I get a notice from my supervisor; they are knocking me down from "employee status" to "IC" status, which means I'm no longer an employee, but an independent contractor. Which means I am now responsible for my own taxes. Ok, been here, done that, and didn't do it, so when tax time came, I was crunched for finding 5000 to pay the f*ing government. I don't want to be IC. So what choice do I have? Well, I could refuse to work as an IC. Right, oh, but then I'd have to find another job. ARRRRGGG This f*ing sucks, I am hating my life really badly right now, f*ing Thanksgiving is in 6 days, I have no extra money to go buy all the stuff, and of course everyone is coming here, so I have to cook all this crap. You know, we spend about as much money on the food for thanksgiving as we do for groceries for a week? And granted, there's a lot of extra food, we eat leftovers for like 3 days, but dammit. I kinda don't have the money for this. And thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, because there aren't the expectations of giving gifts, and hoping that somebody likes the gift that you got, even though you didn't know what to get, and then pretending to like the gift that somebody got you because they didn't know you well enough to know what to get you. I tell you, when I first had my kids, I almost decided not to do the whole santa thing. Some old fat man getting all the credit for all the cool gifts?? No f*ing way. We could celebrate Christmas after Christmas; hello, have you seen the sales they do after Christmas? of course, I was the only one in the family who felt that way, so I was vetoed down. And now it looks like we are going to have to have the "santa talk" with the kids this year. Yeah, they are 6 and 7, so I guess technically, they are old enough. But dammit, I don't want to have to tell them! Isn't the whole point of the process where they actually find out on their own? I don't know, I just remember one year I went from getting presents from santa to playing santa by laying out the presents. I don't remember how I found out, I just knew. actually, I do remember how I found out, and I was like 5, and that is too young. So how is it that 6 isnt? Any suggestions on how to have this talk with the kids, I'm all ears.

So, as if this wasn't random enough ramblings, I honestly don't remember the point of all this, except that I needed to get some stuff off my chest before I gave myself a freaking stroke. I get so stressed out sometimes, and most of the time there isn't any one factor that I can point at and say, there, that's it, that's what did it. It's everything on top of everything else, and its the f*ing holidays.

So, sorry to overload you, but it was either post it here, or delete after typed.

What I want

There are so many things I want to do with my time. With my life, my body, my mind, my spirit. And I don't want "I don't have any money, I don't have the time to do that" to be the excuse on my deathbed as to why it didn't get done. I would like to be able to say I did what I wanted to do, I lived how I wanted to live; My life, my way, not "I did what had to be done and I never got to think about myself". I'm wondering right now how selfish that is of me. Well, I guess that depends on what is given up/sacrificed in order to achieve that, right?

I get stuck on that question; you know, the one that's supposed to help you decide what to do with the rest of your life, your "dream job", if there is such a thing - If money was no object, and you could do anything you wanted, what would you do? Well, obviously, whatever you wound choose to do in your free time is what you should try to focus a career on, right? So, for me, for the longest time, I didn't have an answer to that question. No, seriously. And trust me on this, this is one of those questions that plagues me for some reason. I can't even tell you when or where I first heard this, but I know it was right out of high school for me. And I pretty much did not have much of an answer for the longest time; well, one that was readily interpretable, anyway. What would I do if I did not have to do anything? Nothing. Sleep, eat, read. Nothing.

So, for a very long time in my life, until fairly recently, I would not allow myself to dream about anything. I did not want to daydream about stuff, cause it was depressing. When I was a kid, I used to have vivid daydreams. Surely this is a result of me being in a situation where "out of site meant out of mind", and it was better to be out of mind than the alternative. Not to mention that I devoured books faster that they could be bought for me. So, I would sit, or lie, around, and spend great quantities of time making stuff up in my head. And boy, I could get into it, too; so much so that I wouldn't even know what was going on around me, and I could SEE what was in my head, and I could make myself laugh or cry based on my visions.

And then sometime, for some reason, I stopped. I don't even know when, or why, I just did. And whenever I would start to; we would drive around and look at houses, or cars, I would make myself stop. I shouldn't daydream about having that stuff, because its never going to happen, and it was just such a drag to come back to reality and not have that, or even be on the path to getting that. So, I've been stifling myself for years, for unknown reasons. I've only recently begun to allow myself this again. And in doing so, I've come up with a million things that I want to do at some point in my life.

We've recently bought a house. It was a very long, convoluted road, but it finally happened. And I can't even tell you how many times during the process of it, I didn't think it was going to happen. And it was so very hard, such a very difficult time, because we didn't have a safety net, or a back up plan. We had to just let go and believe and trust that it would happen. It had to, because we needed it to. So we put all our eggs in one basket, put our arms around each other, and just envisioned this happening for us. The alternative – well, there was no alternative. That was the problem. ;) We didn't have a back up, just in case, anything. And then, right when it looked like it wasn't going to happen (we had a rough 2 weeks there), it did. It worked out. And normally, I would not have allowed myself to think about it – getting in, I mean. I used to think it was bad luck to do that – whatever it was you were wanting or hoping for or trying to buy or get, if you thought about it being yours, what would you do with it, where would you arrange the furniture, how would you decorate, which room for which kid, that would ruin it, and it would not happen. Apparently, that's the opposite of how you're supposed to be. You're supposed to imagine owning that house, or that car, or that whatever. You're supposed to envision all your belongings there, and imagine your daily life there; taking a shower in that shower, opening the closet to see your clothes there, sitting at your dining room table there, washing dishes, watching TV, playing in the garden, ripping up wallpaper, painting rooms. It's supposed to make it more of a reality.

Making visual aids is supposed to be helpful, too. Get a poster board, and tape up pictures of things you want, places you want to go, things you want to do. But its not enough to just covet those things. You have to imagine yourself using that, driving that, living there; actually being on that vacation, wearing that outfit. Wanting it badly enough is not enough, you have to be able to SEE yourself with it. And I used to be so good at seeing things…

So, now that I no longer (well, still working on it, but at least I recognize it) am blocking myself from seeing what I want, I've opened myself up to so much. I almost forgot what I always wanted to be as a little girl when I grew up. And that propelled me to finding another job, one that would actually make me happy, or that I don't hate. Is it perfect? By no means. But it makes me a little happier in ways.

There are other things I would like to explore, other chances I would like to take. Other dreams I would like to recover.

So, my list of things that I would like to do if money were no object is growing. And hopefully, will continue to grow. Isn't that a criteria of life, never having all you want? When one dream comes true, another takes it place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. Because, if you stop wanting, don't you stop living?

Just for the record...

I am not a subtle person. Well, actually, to know whether or not I am capable of being subtle, you'd have to ask someone who knows me. I don't do very well judging my own capabilities. But, I don't pick up on subtleties too well. You have to flat out tell me whatever it is that you want me to know, no hinting, winking, elbowing, whatever. You can't say something that could mean 3 things, and expect me to understand which one you want me to get. Oh, I get it. I'm just not going to assume whichever one it is is you want me to get is the one you want me to get. I'd rather not put myself in that situation. So, I'll sit like an idiot, and either pretend I know what you mean, while keeping in mind all the options as to what you mean, and maybe figure it out later, or I'll completely act like I don't know what the hell your talking about, which usually frustrates the hell out of people.

I think that's part of the reason I prefer books to movies. There is so much left to understanding in movies; your supposed to get what that facial expression meant she was thinking, or what the guesture was that he made meant. In books, they flat out tell you what she was thinking, and what he meant.

At the same time, I'm probably going to assume the worst, whever it was that you said that could mean anything. I know, how very pessimistic of me; but hey, I consider myself a realist, and I go on what I've experienced before. This is in no way necessarily a reflection of you, just me. If I know you well enough, yeah, I can assume some stuff. But I'm not gonna; I'm not a mind reader, and that's what alot of it feels like; you want me to read your mind, and I'm not doing that.

Another thing I am going to assume, based on your actions and attitude towards me or life in general, is the kind of person you are, or your feelings towards/about me. Yes, I know, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, boo-hoo. Get over it. I have. I don't complain about it, I simply state it as a fact. I'm not looking for a best friend, so don't think that's what I want.

I sometimes think I can't or don't get across the kind of person that I think that I am; maybe the kind of person that I think that I am isn't the same kind of person that I portray myself to be. Is that wierd? lol. I may assume something, but I do not judge. That is one thing I strive to be; nonjudgemental. I like to listen to what other people think, and base my own thoughts and opinions on that; but I don't judge you for what you think is right or wrong. I like to think of myself as an independent person; I don't have a lot of friends, and that's ok. I don't necessarily want a lot of friends. I may not want to be your friend, either ;). But that doesn't mean that we can't be nice to each other.

Sometimes I think I'm an "old soul"... I can't think of another way to put it. Mature, I guess? I think silly things are stupid, and I can't be silly very often. I'm too serious, I guess, most of the time. I can have fun, but I don't necessarily think the stupid things that can get you in trouble so to speak are fun. So I usually get along better with people older than me than people my age. Its always been that way for me.

As if this wasn't a random enough entry for you. I find blogs to be great, in a confessional sort of way. Very cathartic. And in my case, I find that either nobody reads or nobody cares, so its almost like I can say anything I want, get it out in the open, so to speak, "relase it to the universe". I try to be a less negative person; I know the kind of person I want to be around is a positive person. I don't look for the negative in everything, I just find that what surrounds me doesn't have much positivity to it ;)

Contemplation

So, my weight is slowly creeping back up. Its winter, I suppose my body thinks it needs the extra padding. But Dammit, its Texas!! The coldest day we've had here is 60!!!! And that was in the morning, by noon it was 75!!!

And I can only be mad at myself. Yeah, I'm not able to do low carb at the moment, I'm trying to squelch by on cheap food instead of what I was getting before. But that doesn't mean I have to eat bad, right? I have no willpower right now for some reason. I can't stop myself from eating bad, and apparently watching the scale creep up needs to be my inspiration to stop, because I certainly do not want to be all the way back up to 200, where I started. I'm up 5 now, I need to nip this upward trend in the bud before it gets the better of me. Sometimes, when my life is so out of control busy, and I am running everywhere, I seem to not care what is going on with my food, or my body. Well, I do care about my body, but I sort of become disgusted with it, and then continue to do what I was doing. When I was low-carbing before, I had 1 job; at home, didn't have to do anything but stay home all the time. Now, my life has been turned upside down 3 different ways, and me is the last thing I get to think about. I'm putting this down, out of my brain, so that maybe I will wake up and go, AHA! I need to fix this, instead of stewing about it and doing nothing.

It's official

He got his slip today. In 3 weeks, Jon will officially be on 2nd shift again. (yeah, that's 1 week of working, and 2 weeks laid off :(. Rumor has it, and its all rumor and speculation cause the f*ing company doesn't like to divulge any information to us, we are just the peones, but the rumor is that this is going to last 10 months. So, second shift is 330-12 (midnight). Guess when that leaves for him to see his kids? Weekends. Yup. Aren't you just so thrilled for us??

Yeah, I know, everything happens for a reason. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Sooo....

What do you do when you walk into a room full of people who are in the middle of a conversation that is so obviously about you? Well, I guess if your me, you continue to walk by them and ignore them, right? The whole time your a little pissed, because it sounds like whatever impression you made was wrong, and they are now assuming something about you. And it doesn't matter, you can argue all you want, your not going to convince anyone of anything they don't want to believe with your words alone. But, now, if you care, which I don't, you've got to work extra hard to make whatever that impression was go away. But, I don't care, so I'm not. But, then you get called back for whatever reason, so now you can't ignore them. And so your standing there, and obviously being ignored while your taking care of business. And you just wanted to go in the first place, you didn't even want to be there anymore. And the whole time, I can't help but just want to scream at her, FUCK YOU, stupid bitch, and then maybe bang her head up against the wall. But, I don't want to get fired, so I keep it to myself. and nearly stroke myself out once I get to the car and start screaming there. So now, I can't help but wish that something would happen where she needs me one day, and I can cooly ignore her, all the same. Because no matter what else happens, anything else would just come off stupid, and immature, and me being irrational. So I will go on, ignoring those that don't bother getting over whatever initial impression they had of me, whatever that was, I still haven't figured out why I put out such a "HATE ME" vibe. I will do my job in this uncomfortable environment, and pray that I don't get caught into another situation where I have to be alone with them again.

Day 2...

Soooo. Yeah, well, umm, this is day 2 for this week for me, and it looks like its going to hell in a handbasket, pretty much like all the ones before. Its been practically impossible for me to get back on the low-carb wagon; for many reasons, main one being we are cutting way back on bills, and trying to save money, and the groceries is where it has to get cut, and low-carbing, not exactly the cheapest diet there is. So, I'm trying to turn to exercise to help me at least feel better about myself, like I'm actually doing something... I planned on getting started on Monday. I got called into my second job on Monday, worked all day, then had dance after, and an end of the season soccer party, not to mention my at home job that I work. So, monday was out. Today, I was at home, working, and then I had to go to the school to watch a little play my son was doing, and then take my daughter to the doctor, and all this time I'm still driving my husband to and from work since we only have one operating vehicle...so needless to say, today has gone out the window, as well. So, I'm scheduled to work my second job for the rest of the week, Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Well crap. I certainly don't feel like coming home and exercising with a house full of people, not to mention I wake up at 4 am to work my at home job, get my kids ready for school, take my husband to work, put the kids on the bus, go to my second job at 7, work till 3, pick my husband up from work, then start my at home job at 4. Hello, does anyone have the formula for freezing time?? Cause I don't have enough of it to get it all done in one day.

thud.gif

Officially a "first lady in waiting"

Kathryn had her Dancing Dolls workshop tonight; On Thursday, November 15, at 7 oclock at the Whitehouse High School Gym, she will be performing in the Drill Team Showcase thing whatever. LOL. Here she is, my official "first lady in waiting" She also got an award for "Killer Kicks", lol.



Kathryn First Lady dance

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November, huh?

Wow, November 1st. Anyone else wondering where the hell October went? Last I checked, it was October 5th. That was pretty much when our life came to screeching halt almost around here. That was the day after my birthday. We went out to dinner for my birthday; mmmm, guacamole, margaritas, and kahlua cake!! Oh, I know, its so bad, I shouldn't have. Birthday's don't count, right? *sigh*

So, we come home from dinner, with the message on the answering machine from my husband's mom; she's crying, and pretty hysterical, we can't hardly understand her. We have to listen to it about 3-4 times to understand what she said. My husband's uncle, the man who raised him pretty much from the ages of 1-10, was in the hospital from a massive coronary.

So, I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about exactly what happened, but basically the whole story with the families fighting over the dead people's stuff; that was pretty much us. It was horrible, My husband's mom was horrible, and somehow, after we said let it go, we aren't going to worry about it anymore, it got drug out longer than it should have, it was a very stressful situation, we spent alot of days and nights crying and praying over the whole thing. I am hopeful that with a new month comes a new wave of emotion; I'm tired of my MySpace mood being stressed wink.gif

So, in other news, Halloween is the mosestest evilist holiday there is. I don't even want to talk about how much candy is in this house.

I'm so anxious to get back to working out, but it always seems like there is something to prevents me from doing it. I hurt my back last weekend, or I'll start my period, or I'll just be too tired from working my 2 jobs and having kids and a husband. Soccer for the kids is winding down finally, so that will be 2 days less of something to do during the week. But then, in January, basketball starts wink.gif

We are remodeling the house now; sort of. We are tearing down wallpaper and painting rooms. Its turned into more of an ordeal than I originally thought; the wallpaper is original paper, so when it was put on, they put it directly on the sheetrock; there is no paint underneath. Its very tedious work, pulling off paper, my hands and fingers really hurt wink.gif. But, we've bought all the paint already, and I'm anxious to see how the rooms will look when its finally done. We have big dreams and aspirations for the kitchen and bathrooms, but for now we will have to content ourselves with the painting only

I'm still having a hard time with myself. I'm trying so very hard to be positive, but I can't convince myself I'm worthy enough most times. I try to just, I don't know, fake it till I make it sort of thing, but I have so much self doubt, it doesn't take much for me to lose my momentum and go, what's the point, why bother? and this, sadly, applies to so many aspects of my life, from diet, exercise, trying to have better body confidence, trying to make new friends, trying to have a better outlook on life. Plus, I have all these questions, things I don't understand, I can't seem to find a way to ask them where I can get an honest, straight answer, without people looking at me like I'm insane for even thinking the questions wink.gif Like why are we attracted to who we are attracted to? LOL. There are just some things I am trying to understand, and maybe that's one of those "purpose of life" questions that doesn't really have an answer. It is what it is because it is. That's all.

Home Improvement

So, as most of you know, Jon is home this week. We decided to finally put to use our giftcards that were housewarming gifts, and we went and bought some paint and some wallpaper removing stuff. Also, as most of you know, nothing is ever simple or straightforward for me. Hehe. So, we start in Kathryn's room; start at the back of the house and work our way forward, right? We started yesterday. First thing we had to do in Kathryn's room was remove the border paper in there. So we mix up the stuff, the wall paper removal stuff, and spray it on there, and scrape it off. Fairly simple, right? Then the plan was to prime her room, since its this ROCKIN bright pink color. But, first, Jon wants to go ahead and peel the paper in the hall, too, since the stuff is already mixed up, right? Ok, whatever. So we spray the paper in the hall, and we start peeling. So far, this is strangely satisfying to me, so I'm having fun with it. And of course, my methods of peeling paper aren't the same as Jon's, so I'm getting on his nerves a bit. It doesn't take long for us to realize that this wallpaper is original; they didn't even paint the walls before sticking it on the sheetrock. What a freaking nightmare, man. We spent all freaking day in that hall yesterday. With that black paper gone, it has definitely lightened up the hallway, even though it looks a bit trashy now, lol. Its finally down, and I pulled the paper down in the kid's bathroom while I was at it, hehehe, but now maybe we can wind back up in Kathryn's room, as was the plan for yesterday. But, one good thing about pulling the paper down in the hall; at least we know it has no paint on the wall, so now we will prime it as well, so might as well do it at the same time, right?? I have a few before pictures, never really remember until we are in the middle of it all, but I will post an update when we are through, for those of you who care ;)

WTF

Oh, goddamit goddamit goddamit!! I fucking hate this shit!! Things aren't bad enough that we don't have any fucking money to pay our fucking bills, but then shit like this has to happen!! WHY!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO FOR THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!! Its not bad enough that Jon is going to be out of work next week, therefor no paycheck. Its not bad enough that I'm not making enough at my job. Its not bad enough that We have cut everything back to bare bones basic right now, living on fucking sandwiches and mac and cheese, but now this shit has to happen, where some asshole finds my credit card number, and decides to put $500 on!! WTF!! I will probably not ever get that money back, and you know what that means; I now can't make that all importan mortgage payment. GODDAMIT!!! Sometimes, I really fucking hate my life.

Update

Just to update you on my previous blog, Jon's uncle died today.

Waiting on 3...

So, you know how they say that all things happen in 3s? I don't know how much of this I believe in, but dang it, if it doesn't seem to happen. And sometimes I wonder if I "Look" for the things that have happened, just so I can say "yep, that's 3 things, should have known something was going to happen". Well, Dana, I'm counting you as my 1. So last night, we got a call. Jon's uncle is in the hospital. Massive heart attack. He's not even concious right now, and they don't know if he's going to make it. (For those of you who know me, you know I've been through this before, and you know that I can be positively optimistic about his recovery this time ;) so there are my 2. Waiting on 3 now....

Love/Hate?

They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. So, I'm in a love/hate relationship with my body. Actually, I hate my body, and I'm currently trying to learn to love it. Its sort of like, how can you expect anyone to love what you wont? So how could I expect anyone to love what I don't? Its a conundrum, lol. Its a very difficult place to be, but honestly, I've been here my whole life. I've never been happy with me, and I'm trying to change that, I'm trying to come to terms with me, and be happy with me. Its sort of hard to change something that was hard wired into you; as I'm changing it in myself, I'm trying to prevent that same mindset in my children. I know that in order to love it, I need to change what can be changed; I also need to recognize the difference between what can be changed, and what can't, and learn to accept that which cannot be changed. (God give me strength!) When I look at pictures of me, or at myself in the mirror, apparently what I see is not what others see; I don't want to describe what I see, lol, afraid that if I point it out, others will go "oh, yeah, there it is, I see it now!"

So, I've always imagined myself as this aloof, stand-offish, loner type of person. Someone recently told me that after spending a little bit of time with me, she feels like I'm sort of desperate for some kind of acceptance, craving friendship and love. So I don't know how I come off anymore, lol. I think I prefer to come off as a loner than as desperate ;). Then again, I would like to be a well rounded individual who, when I see someone at a football game that I "know", I wave and say hi, even if that's all, instead of being hung up on myself and ignoring that person, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, and then the next thing I hear is that that person that I didn't say hi to dies in a car crash.

I constantly go through this phase of wanting to "do better", be better, look better, feel better, etc. and I never do anything about it. And I'm sick of it. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm stuck in this current, and life is sweeping me wherever I land. I would like to have a little direction, as much as could possibly be controlled by myself at this point. Granted, not all things are under my control, but my god, I can do something about the things that are.

I don't mean to go off on a tangent, and I don't expect a lot of comments or anything, it just feels sort of fog lifting to put thoughts into actual words, that's very hard for me to do. IF I write it down and see it, this is the way I feel, then I can own that feeling, instead of have this mush inside of me.

Kathryn's Cheer Game

Kathryn's second football game was last night; it was Whitehouse against Kilgore, who are apparently their rivals, and I think it was also the first game to count towards district or whatever. So it was JAMM PACKED, and loud. I think we discovered, last Saturday at the Cheer clinic, that Kathryn didn't have what it takes to be a cheerleader; she doesn't like to be loud, or goofy, and she doesn't like to be around alot of loudness (....see if you can find the picture of her holding her ears). But at least we know, now, what to focus on for her !! She will have another Drill Team clinic in November, so look for pics of that !! These girls were also so jamm packed on the track, she didn't have much room for moving around and cheering, not that she was overly excited about it. I didn't get any video, but Jon did on the other camera, which is nearly impossible to transfer to the computer, so here are some pics !!

WOOOHOOOO!

I got a massage for my birthday!! And its not even my birthday yet!! Thank you Sharon, I love you!! This was exactly what I needed.

(And James, thank you, but I still hate you ;)-

Today

So tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me....

My IQ (A test)

Sunday at Six flags

Went to six flags on sunday, got a few pics....

First Soccer Game

Here are pics from the kids' first soccer game on Saturday; bright and early! They don't "keep score", but the kids know, and they did really good! Jonathan may have a future as goalie! Kathryn didn't get enough action in that spot to tell yet ;).

My Day

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!












No, I don't especially feel better, but better let it out than hold it in and end up killing someone.

I'm back...

I know I've been away for quite a while. Things have been so hectic around here, and I hate that feeling. That feeling that I'm coasting through life, you know, letting life direct me instead of the other way around. I'm anxious to get back into the swing of things; I'm missing working out, I miss yoga, I miss weights, and I'm trying to get back into, I'm just having a hard time getting grounded, I'm letting things sway me off track. Yesterday was a no go, though I really wanted it. I'm going to plan on again today starting something, anything, just so long as I"m doing something and its on my terms, you know? Like I said, things have been a bit hectic around here. We've moved into a new house, which I think I've already told you guys about; do you remember about 6 months ago, on the previous forum, how that was my goal/dream for this year? That and to be out of debt, lol. Well, I got my house, and I remember how hard it was for me not to doubt, to trust, but I kept telling myself that if I believed it would go through, it would. And there were times, at least twice, when it looked like we weren't going to get it, but it happened, and I can't tell you how safe, I guess, I feel, being in my own home. Not having to worry about next year, where are we going to live, ever again. I'm home. I also started a new job; its part of the epiphany I had a few months ago; I was so tired of my current job, and I was totally unhappy, and I was envious of those people who enjoyed their work. I spent alot of time, at least the past 10 years, lol, trying to figure out what would make me happy? What kind of job could I do that I would enjoy doing? Well, I sort of remembered, which is a weird thing to say, I know, but I must have just been blocking it, or decided a while ago it wasn't going to happen, so I didn't let that thought enter my mind again, but when I was a girl I always wanted to be a vet. So I decided to try for a vet tech now, since I'm not exactly able to go to school to be a vet. I have a job at a vet clinic here in town, about 4 minutes from my new house, and I'm being trained to be a vet tech. And I really do love it. The only thing I don't love about it is the fact that I took a cut of about half in my pay, so I'm still having to work part time as a transcriptionist, hence my lack of time for me . I know, no more excuses.

I'm feeling very lonely lately, like I don't have any friends. It seems like the friends that I have are absent, and maybe that's my doing, I don't know, but I'm really looking for support, and I'm not finding any.

I was at soccer practice with my kids yesterday, and there was a lady there that we seem to run into all over the place; her husband and my husband work together, she has 3 kids, and the 2 youngest are the same ages as my 2, a boy and a girl, so I thought I would give her my number so maybe we could hang out sometime. She was playing soccer with her kids, and playing volleyball with some girl she didn't even know. This lady is 40, and she had more interest and energy in stuff like that than I do, and I am envious of that. I hope to be able to show interest and vitality at that age, but I don't even have that now, lol. My birthday is less than a month away, she's at least 10 years older than me, and I am envious of her energy.

I love all you guys, hopefully I'm still welcome here and hopefully you can all help me appropriately kick my butt into gear for what I want the most, to be a happy, healthy, active mom. Not to mention a hottie. .

What is it?

Current mood: confused

What is love? What is it, exactly? Can it be explained? I'm not sure I could explain it. I can't explain how I feel, not just in love, but in many things; just feelings in general are hard for me to get out, to vocalize. Can you love someone you don't trust? I don't think so, but what do you call it when you "love" someone that you don't trust? Well, obviously you trust them a little bit, or you wouldn't still be there, but what is that? How do you know what you have isn't just "comfortableness" with someone? Is love really supposed to last forever? Are we all really meant to be with just one person forever and ever?

What about friendship? What defines a friendship? I know there are different "levels" of friendship, you can have a lot of friends, but not necessarily the same type of relationship with each one, but it works, right? And when it quits working, what, you just no longer have a friendship? Friendship is hard, I think. But, I think its harder to get started than to maintain. Unless the people are just completely changed from who they were when you were friends. And that will either draw you together or tear you apart. But, there's something going on, people aren't interested in making friends, you ever notice that? People are withdrawn, and friendly on the surface, but not really interested in learning more. Its like, once you reach a particular stage in your life, that's it, your done, not interested in making more friends. Why? Why would you be that way? Obviously, you'd have to have something in common, right? Age, social situation, kids, and most especially kids ages and male/female factors. Its common to make friends with someone because our kids are in the same class, or have dance together, they do something together, and they make friends, so you pretty much have to make friends. You have "playdates" outside of the social situation in which you were thrown together, and you get to know the other person, and the kids have a really good time, but then when school is over and out, or the thing that they have together is over, its like they fall off the face of the planet. Not interested in maintaining that friendship. Only interested in the first place because of their kid, because their kid expressed an interest in someone, and since they were going to see each other every day or once a week anyway, might as well let it happen, right? So what happens to make it not work pursuing anymore?

Friendship is a hard thing to build, in my mind. Its like, you have to be careful in the beginning, not to show too much of anything....not too much excitement, not too much negativity or definitely not too many problems or stress factors going on. You can't really be yourself, or I feel like I can't be. You have to have small talk, and let it build for a while; god help you if you overshare too soon... that's the best way to run someone off. For some reason. I don't know why. I feel like I could be a pretty good listener, even if I don't know you very well. I"m not saying I want a complete stranger to come up and tell me their life story, I hate that, especially when I'm like working at a check out counter, and that person is determined that I know everything there is to know about them before that transaction is completed. No, I don't mean that. I mean, someone you work with on a regular basis; if they have a "crisis" or something going on in their life, if they have good news or even bad news, why can't we share that? Because we're not friends? How do you know we couldn't be? Why the lack of interest from the get-go?

Do you ever feel drawn to someone? No particular reason, you just meet someone; say, at a birthday party for a kid in your kid's class. They are another mom and dad there with their kids. And you talk, just for a little while, but you realize in that setting, you wouldn't mind getting to know this person just a little bit more. Your "drawn" to them, I guess, I don't want to say attracted to them, but that's basically it. Why do you have those feelings about people you don't really know? Is it some sort of recognition of the soul that our brain doesn't understand? Did we know that soul before, and we recognize them spiritually, and try to reconnect? Is that just a "me" thing, no one else does that? I don't understand why things have to be so difficult, you know; why can't we just be ourselves from the beginning, and just leave it at that? I'm not a "social butterfly" by any means whatsoever, but I don't think I'm such a bad person. Not really. I can be negative, but who can't? I'm mostly quiet around people I don't know, at the same time wondering why they are so indrawn. I don't try to snub people, its just awkward sometimes. That doesn't mean I'm not interested, it mostly means I'm not sure how to act around people, because that's such a touchy thing. You only get to make the one impression, then after that, its done. They will never really forget the first thing they thought about you. and I don't really know what kind of impression I make. It must be bad

My "Little lady"

Well, as most of you know, lol, because it's all I talked about since school started, Kathryn had her first football game yesterday!She is so stinking cute!(OMG, Corrie is wearing off on me, I can't believe I just said stinking cute! Ok, I get distracted).She got to make her own T-shirt, and she got to keep the pom-poms, and she got to do one of the most freaking coolest things ever for a little 7 year old girl who is into that stuff!! Here are some pics and videos of my "Little Lady"!!












She was out on the field for quite a while; at least 30 minutes.She stood there doing a little pom-pom shaking for a while, then the team ran out, then they did a "routine" to the school song ;).

Kathryn with team

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Kathryn Routine

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Kathryn Walking off field

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Jon's Birthday

Jon got to go to Vegas for his birthday!!!  Not really sure what he did there... guess that's part of, don't ask, don't tell, right?!?!

..

No apologies

Current mood: disappointed

So, my whole life I've basically felt like this huge disappointment to everybody and in everything. I try to be what is expected of me. But I'm freaking tired. I'm tired of trying really hard and failing. I'm tired of not even knowing what is expected of me, but still being a failure. I don't know what it is about me that attracts or turns people off of me; I don't know what kind of first impression I give out, but sometimes I truly think there is something wrong with me. I try to be more of a person that I feel is expected of me to be, but that is a failure, too. So, no more. Actually, no more caring on my part. I'm not apologizing for being me. Not anymore. I'm not a freaking mind reader, people. You want something, you tell me!! Don't assume I know what you expect of me! You have a problem with me, you tell me!! Or just back the fuck off. I'm tired of all this passive aggressive shit. I'm tired of assuming something is wrong from the way you act, and assuming what that something is, and then trying to fix it and failing anyway. So, either talk to me, or don't, but I'm not doing anything for you anymore. I'm just me. If you don't like me, you know where the door is.

Jonathan's party

Jonathan's party was on Saturday. He was at Chuck E. Cheese's. I swear, why don't we just all go in and let them play? They dont care about pizza, they don't care about cake, and they don't care about some dumb dancing mouse. It embarrased the hell out of Jonathan, he would just rather have played games the whole time. Here's a few pics.




Sara took them to the circus on Sunday....

Meet Rocky

We've had him for a while, we just haven't introduced him yet. The day we brought him home, he and Snowy became fast friends.

Rocky and snowy

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They were such good friends, *wink wink* that Snowy would sneak under the towel or blanket that we had covering the kennel entrance, and sleep there right next to the opening.







Here's a picture of him growing up, he's all lop-eared. He hasn't learned control of both ears, just the one.



Now, he's getting bigger, and Snowy hasn't learned that he doesn't have to be so easy on him; and Rocky usually whips up on him ;). Today, Rocky met Asher; they've met before, but not really face to face. Today was their first real interaction with each other; here are a few pics...


Rocky meets Asher

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BTW, the other 2 cats hate Rocky ;).

First day of school!!!

Well, the kiddos started school yesterday, I can't hardly believe it. I don't know which is harder to believe; that my daughter, my first-born, is a SECOND grader, or that my son, my baby, is a FIRST grader!! Its insane to think about, you know, cause they are getting into that territory where you actually have memories of your own childhood from.... so, I dunno. LOL.

Here are some pics....







Also, lookie at what came into the clinic yesterday!! I usually have pretty interesting days up there, there's always one thing or two that's worth mentioning; here's yesterdays!



He is a tiny baby squirrel that someone rescued from their cat, and his name is Frodo Baggins because of his big feet! And yes, we know how stupid it is to name him, he is so tiny, but, it was just so perfect a name!!

IT'S DONE!! Sort of...

WE"VE MOVED!!! Oh, I'm freaking exhausted!! I must be getting too old for this shit! So, I started a new job this week, oh, was that ever the smartest thing on the face of the planet to do right before you move. My feet were so swollen by the end of the week, I can't put on my shoes, and you can't see my ankle bones. THEY HURT!!! So, I'm pretty much useless. We've got all the big stuff out, because Jon had some guys from work come and help, and I owe them a big ol steak dinner for that, too. We still have a few boxes of little things, and I need to clean it out before turning it over, but damn, I'm useless. We went over there about an hour ago, I looked around and said, nope, not today, lol. Maybe if I get some sleep, but I'm seriously considering just having my legs cut off at the knees, I'm sure it would be less painful at this point.

I was without internet service for 3 days, since Wednesday, so if you sent me a message and I haven't responded back, bear with me, I have 250 emails to get through!!!

I will also have a new email address, and phone number, and address!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! But I'm not sure about 2 out of the 3 yet, so... if you want any of that stuff, just ask!! and it won't be changing, like, EVER!! lol. ;)

Yvonne's Birthday Cake

Of course, its purple, of course, its chocolate, and of course, its a fairy!!

Checking in

It has been a high stress situation here, and all I had to say was mope, gripe, and complain, and I seemed to be putting people off with that, and I didn't want to risk losing you guys, so I kept my negative self away. LOL. I still posted in my blog, so your welcome to read the frustrations of the time, lol, but I just didn't want to drown you guys in it. We've been trying to buy a house, but the situation has been a big mess, they freak out about my pay, because its based on production, and then we had a glitch with the bank, and were in a negative balance for 2 weeks, which put everything to a screeching halt, and we actually thought we weren't going to be able to move forward, which was really scary; we thought we were going to be homeless come the end of july, because we had already put our notice in where we are renting. Well, we reevaluated some things, and we talked about it alot, alot alot, and we just couldn't think of what to do to help, to make it better, so I just let it go. I can't explain it other than that; I just gave it up. I didn't give up, I gave up the stress, the worry, and the scheming, plotting, and desperation for a plan. I just threw up my hands and said, you know, basically your will be done, whoever that may be. Whether God or the universe, I don't know, but its all the same. I just said, you know what, it will all work out, no matter what, even if its not what I want, it will be what needs to be at that moment, and nothing I do will fix it or change it or help it along, so just stop. So, everything seemed to fall into place; its been almost miraculous the turn around since I made that decision; almost like I was impeding any advancement with my internal struggles with the matter. So, I am officially declaring July 23 as my lucky day; yesterday, I went in for a job interview for a completely different job; this is what I've wanted to do my whole life practically; I was talked out of it by my mom and grandfather when I graduated high school and was about to start college, so I sort of spent the next 10 years floating in space, occupying but not really knowing what for. I did what I had to do; I went to school for the least amount of time, got my certificate as a transcriptionist and did that because it was the degree that needed the least amount of credit hours/classes based on what I had already taken. Yes, how sad is that. I decided to become a medical transcriptionist because it required the least amount of effort based on what I had already done at that point. And I'm fairly good at it, and can make good money. It has its ups and downs, its pros and cons, but I have been able to be home with my kids while they were growing up, doing this 4 years now, but I was still making money and contributing to the household in that way. I'm not happy; I can't tell you how long its been since I've been happy; sometimes I wonder if I've ever been. But it doesn't matter, does it? You have to do what you have to do, and work was what I needed to do, and there was no way I was going to go out and get a job making the kind of money I was making at transcription, so I was stuck. So I sort of had an epiphany of sorts about a month ago, something just clicked in me, and I went, OH, DUH!! I want to be a vet. For some reason, I had stricken from my thoughts after being told at 17 "try something else, its too hard, you won't last, its too expensive, it takes to long...." and whatever else they told me for a reason not to try. So, here I am, 10 years later, and I've pretty much come full circle; except now I have a family, and I cant just run off to college and sleep on a friend's floor, and live off of those $1 frozen dinner meals. I have to figure out a way to do this without hurting us; I mean, if anything, I need to make more, right? So, I thought I'd try my hand at getting a job in a vet's office, you know, make sure its what I really want before taking any plunges like school or quiting transcription and all that. I applied at 2 pet stores, and then I saw a sign at one of the pet stores for the vet office inside; they were hiring. Oh, I think I know somebody who works there, let me get in touch with her! Turns out she's now the director of nursing;that was pretty much the easiest job interview I've ever had. So, I got the job; I'm now officially a "pet nurse". And they don't care that I don't have experience; they are going to train me. I will learn to draw blood, and give shots, and eventually run the labs, and the xrays, and giving anesthetics, and all that jazz. And I am so pumped right now, OMG. If this is something that I really, truly enjoy, I could see taking correspondence courses to become a vet tech. I already found the school closest to me; I had already looked into it, but I didn't see it as an option before; but if I really like it, yeah, Its doable. The funny thing is, I wasn't even nervous one bit about this job interview!! I mean, I didn't know my friend was going to do it till I got there, but I turned in my application on Friday, and the front desk manager called me back in 1 hour. I couldn't believe it; I wasn't even home yet, they were already calling me back for an interview!! SO, yesterday, I go in for the interview, and I wasn't scared, I mean, I normally just stress myself out, and put it all on my stomach, and then my damn stomach is so messed up I can barely sit there comfortably, but I was fine yesterday, you know? I mean, if I got it, it was meant to be, right? ANd if I didn't, it wasn't and there was something else I needed to try to focus on, right? SO I go in, and its less like an interview and more like, OK, let me show you around, here fill out this paperwork, what size scrubs do you need? Here, go take the drug test. OMG, It was awesome. I did have to take a personality test first, and they said "if you fail it, because alot of people do for some reason, we can hire you on as an assistant pet nurse for the first month, and then you can try again". It was a personality test, you know "Are you more whimsical or introverted" stupid questions that have absolutely nothing to do with vet nursing. BUT I PASSED IT!! Oh, this is so awesome, can you tell I'm still excited about this?!? So, I start my new job next monday.

Oh, and what's the other thing? That made yesterday my lucky day? (Oh, damn I just thought about it; I should have bought a lottery ticket yesterday!!) Anyway, we are still in the process of buying this house, and I was waiting all day to hear from my mortgage guy, and I almost called him, but I knew that if he didn't call me, it was because he hadn't heard anything yet, so I just waited. So last night, I get home about 6, and he had sent me an email at 3; we are closing next Monday. L!@)#@*&!()@*$@)&%@*$&!)(*@# I'm so freaking excited right now, and I'm still holding my breathe, trying not to blow off that one feather that is keeping the scales tipped my way, but oh, man, am I just about to burst I am so excited.

Sorry this has been so long guys! Needless to say, with the stress in my life, I have not been following my plan. I pretty much "gave up", lol, about the first of june, it wasn't working for some reason, I couldn't get back on, my willpower was gone. But, I am still eating sensibly, even if I"m eating more carbs and "bad stuff' like ice cream, lol, but I just got on the scale the other day, and I was down another 7 lbs (I don't know in how long, I don't usually get on the scale anymore, cause I just figured I hadn't lost). So now I'm truly at the lowest weight I've been; I remember I weighed 150 when Jon and I met, and then I had no access to a scale until I got pregnant, and at that point, I was 170. I am 166 right now!!! YEEKE!! I want to start focusing on exercise again; I spent the last 3 months focused on nothing but eating, and its showing; even when I'm eating bad, I"m not gorging myself. Its so funny; yesterday, for lunch, I ate a turkey burger; its pretty much my "Staple" lunch here lately; put a sprinkle of cheese on top and 2 tablespoons of rotel, and that's what I have for lunch. I couldn't eat it all yesterday!! I had like, I don't know, maybe 3 or 4 bites left, and I just couldn't finish it, so I didn't. I didn't force myself. Well, come to find out, my husband had made them bigger this time around, LOL, so I guess technically I still ate the same amount as I normally do, lol, I just didn't know it . So, now that I seem to be on "autopilot" with my eating; even if its not all good eating, I am not forcing it all in my mouth when I don't want it, I need to focus on exercise. I can't tell you how I feel right now; my feet are constantly cramping, my hips are really really hurting, I was doing something the other day and realized how out of shape I've gotten, and I know that doing SOMETHING will make me feel better; I want to start with yoga, or pilates, and now that I have another job, I've really got to figure out a time to do it, because my body needs it. Not to mention I can't stand this flab, lol. There are a couple of areas that are just, oh man, I don't even know how to describe it. Its like, I look good with my clothes on, but.... yuck! Lol. Oh, well, I've had 2 kids in 2 years, and I know that was years ago, but I'm not going to be perfect. But I would like to see what the best me can be.

Sorry this has been such a book, if you've made it this far through it all, that means you truly care . I just wanted to let you know what was going on, and the reason I didn't feel I could post before.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Current mood: giddy

Ok, I don't want to jinx myself, so knock on wood, and throwing salt over my left shoulder, and all that jazz, but OMGOMGOMG! I am officially declaring July 23rd as my lucky day, because today has been such a great day for me!! Went in for a job interview for a job that I have wanted since I was like, I dunno, 10 maybe!?! Wanted to go to school to be a vet, but was "talked out of it" when I graduated high school, so I've basically floated around the last 10 years or so, not sure what to do, what I wanted to do... and about a month ago I had an epiphany of sorts, and decided that I really did want to be a vet, or at this point in my life, a vet tech, so I thought that I would give it a try, and I applied at a vet office, and it looks like I got the job to be a "pet nurse"!! I'm so freaking exctatically happy right now!! THEN, I come home this afternoon to find out that it looks like we are getting our house!! Closing is next monday, I'm so freaking excited right now, I could probably run a marathon, but I'm just sitting here, packing my house in my mind, and then unpacking it all in its place in my NEW HOUSE!!

Shaved the dog...

A few weeks ago, we shaved poor Asher; he was so fluffy, we knew he was hot.  Here's the B&A...

We didn't take an official before, we didn't think about it at the time.  This one is at Christmas time; he's playing with Shadow (big ol wolf dog).


and here he is, all shaved, and he loved it.  He looks totally different...still can't figure out what he is, though...







And just for S&Gs, here are a few puppy pictures; he thought he was a lap dog, lol. 

Amber's birthday cake

Amber's birthday cake... my attempt at a topsy turvey, hannah montana theme....