What I want

There are so many things I want to do with my time. With my life, my body, my mind, my spirit. And I don't want "I don't have any money, I don't have the time to do that" to be the excuse on my deathbed as to why it didn't get done. I would like to be able to say I did what I wanted to do, I lived how I wanted to live; My life, my way, not "I did what had to be done and I never got to think about myself". I'm wondering right now how selfish that is of me. Well, I guess that depends on what is given up/sacrificed in order to achieve that, right?

I get stuck on that question; you know, the one that's supposed to help you decide what to do with the rest of your life, your "dream job", if there is such a thing - If money was no object, and you could do anything you wanted, what would you do? Well, obviously, whatever you wound choose to do in your free time is what you should try to focus a career on, right? So, for me, for the longest time, I didn't have an answer to that question. No, seriously. And trust me on this, this is one of those questions that plagues me for some reason. I can't even tell you when or where I first heard this, but I know it was right out of high school for me. And I pretty much did not have much of an answer for the longest time; well, one that was readily interpretable, anyway. What would I do if I did not have to do anything? Nothing. Sleep, eat, read. Nothing.

So, for a very long time in my life, until fairly recently, I would not allow myself to dream about anything. I did not want to daydream about stuff, cause it was depressing. When I was a kid, I used to have vivid daydreams. Surely this is a result of me being in a situation where "out of site meant out of mind", and it was better to be out of mind than the alternative. Not to mention that I devoured books faster that they could be bought for me. So, I would sit, or lie, around, and spend great quantities of time making stuff up in my head. And boy, I could get into it, too; so much so that I wouldn't even know what was going on around me, and I could SEE what was in my head, and I could make myself laugh or cry based on my visions.

And then sometime, for some reason, I stopped. I don't even know when, or why, I just did. And whenever I would start to; we would drive around and look at houses, or cars, I would make myself stop. I shouldn't daydream about having that stuff, because its never going to happen, and it was just such a drag to come back to reality and not have that, or even be on the path to getting that. So, I've been stifling myself for years, for unknown reasons. I've only recently begun to allow myself this again. And in doing so, I've come up with a million things that I want to do at some point in my life.

We've recently bought a house. It was a very long, convoluted road, but it finally happened. And I can't even tell you how many times during the process of it, I didn't think it was going to happen. And it was so very hard, such a very difficult time, because we didn't have a safety net, or a back up plan. We had to just let go and believe and trust that it would happen. It had to, because we needed it to. So we put all our eggs in one basket, put our arms around each other, and just envisioned this happening for us. The alternative – well, there was no alternative. That was the problem. ;) We didn't have a back up, just in case, anything. And then, right when it looked like it wasn't going to happen (we had a rough 2 weeks there), it did. It worked out. And normally, I would not have allowed myself to think about it – getting in, I mean. I used to think it was bad luck to do that – whatever it was you were wanting or hoping for or trying to buy or get, if you thought about it being yours, what would you do with it, where would you arrange the furniture, how would you decorate, which room for which kid, that would ruin it, and it would not happen. Apparently, that's the opposite of how you're supposed to be. You're supposed to imagine owning that house, or that car, or that whatever. You're supposed to envision all your belongings there, and imagine your daily life there; taking a shower in that shower, opening the closet to see your clothes there, sitting at your dining room table there, washing dishes, watching TV, playing in the garden, ripping up wallpaper, painting rooms. It's supposed to make it more of a reality.

Making visual aids is supposed to be helpful, too. Get a poster board, and tape up pictures of things you want, places you want to go, things you want to do. But its not enough to just covet those things. You have to imagine yourself using that, driving that, living there; actually being on that vacation, wearing that outfit. Wanting it badly enough is not enough, you have to be able to SEE yourself with it. And I used to be so good at seeing things…

So, now that I no longer (well, still working on it, but at least I recognize it) am blocking myself from seeing what I want, I've opened myself up to so much. I almost forgot what I always wanted to be as a little girl when I grew up. And that propelled me to finding another job, one that would actually make me happy, or that I don't hate. Is it perfect? By no means. But it makes me a little happier in ways.

There are other things I would like to explore, other chances I would like to take. Other dreams I would like to recover.

So, my list of things that I would like to do if money were no object is growing. And hopefully, will continue to grow. Isn't that a criteria of life, never having all you want? When one dream comes true, another takes it place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. Because, if you stop wanting, don't you stop living?