Home Improvement

So, as most of you know, Jon is home this week. We decided to finally put to use our giftcards that were housewarming gifts, and we went and bought some paint and some wallpaper removing stuff. Also, as most of you know, nothing is ever simple or straightforward for me. Hehe. So, we start in Kathryn's room; start at the back of the house and work our way forward, right? We started yesterday. First thing we had to do in Kathryn's room was remove the border paper in there. So we mix up the stuff, the wall paper removal stuff, and spray it on there, and scrape it off. Fairly simple, right? Then the plan was to prime her room, since its this ROCKIN bright pink color. But, first, Jon wants to go ahead and peel the paper in the hall, too, since the stuff is already mixed up, right? Ok, whatever. So we spray the paper in the hall, and we start peeling. So far, this is strangely satisfying to me, so I'm having fun with it. And of course, my methods of peeling paper aren't the same as Jon's, so I'm getting on his nerves a bit. It doesn't take long for us to realize that this wallpaper is original; they didn't even paint the walls before sticking it on the sheetrock. What a freaking nightmare, man. We spent all freaking day in that hall yesterday. With that black paper gone, it has definitely lightened up the hallway, even though it looks a bit trashy now, lol. Its finally down, and I pulled the paper down in the kid's bathroom while I was at it, hehehe, but now maybe we can wind back up in Kathryn's room, as was the plan for yesterday. But, one good thing about pulling the paper down in the hall; at least we know it has no paint on the wall, so now we will prime it as well, so might as well do it at the same time, right?? I have a few before pictures, never really remember until we are in the middle of it all, but I will post an update when we are through, for those of you who care ;)

WTF

Oh, goddamit goddamit goddamit!! I fucking hate this shit!! Things aren't bad enough that we don't have any fucking money to pay our fucking bills, but then shit like this has to happen!! WHY!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO FOR THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!! Its not bad enough that Jon is going to be out of work next week, therefor no paycheck. Its not bad enough that I'm not making enough at my job. Its not bad enough that We have cut everything back to bare bones basic right now, living on fucking sandwiches and mac and cheese, but now this shit has to happen, where some asshole finds my credit card number, and decides to put $500 on!! WTF!! I will probably not ever get that money back, and you know what that means; I now can't make that all importan mortgage payment. GODDAMIT!!! Sometimes, I really fucking hate my life.

Update

Just to update you on my previous blog, Jon's uncle died today.

Waiting on 3...

So, you know how they say that all things happen in 3s? I don't know how much of this I believe in, but dang it, if it doesn't seem to happen. And sometimes I wonder if I "Look" for the things that have happened, just so I can say "yep, that's 3 things, should have known something was going to happen". Well, Dana, I'm counting you as my 1. So last night, we got a call. Jon's uncle is in the hospital. Massive heart attack. He's not even concious right now, and they don't know if he's going to make it. (For those of you who know me, you know I've been through this before, and you know that I can be positively optimistic about his recovery this time ;) so there are my 2. Waiting on 3 now....

Love/Hate?

They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. So, I'm in a love/hate relationship with my body. Actually, I hate my body, and I'm currently trying to learn to love it. Its sort of like, how can you expect anyone to love what you wont? So how could I expect anyone to love what I don't? Its a conundrum, lol. Its a very difficult place to be, but honestly, I've been here my whole life. I've never been happy with me, and I'm trying to change that, I'm trying to come to terms with me, and be happy with me. Its sort of hard to change something that was hard wired into you; as I'm changing it in myself, I'm trying to prevent that same mindset in my children. I know that in order to love it, I need to change what can be changed; I also need to recognize the difference between what can be changed, and what can't, and learn to accept that which cannot be changed. (God give me strength!) When I look at pictures of me, or at myself in the mirror, apparently what I see is not what others see; I don't want to describe what I see, lol, afraid that if I point it out, others will go "oh, yeah, there it is, I see it now!"

So, I've always imagined myself as this aloof, stand-offish, loner type of person. Someone recently told me that after spending a little bit of time with me, she feels like I'm sort of desperate for some kind of acceptance, craving friendship and love. So I don't know how I come off anymore, lol. I think I prefer to come off as a loner than as desperate ;). Then again, I would like to be a well rounded individual who, when I see someone at a football game that I "know", I wave and say hi, even if that's all, instead of being hung up on myself and ignoring that person, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, and then the next thing I hear is that that person that I didn't say hi to dies in a car crash.

I constantly go through this phase of wanting to "do better", be better, look better, feel better, etc. and I never do anything about it. And I'm sick of it. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm stuck in this current, and life is sweeping me wherever I land. I would like to have a little direction, as much as could possibly be controlled by myself at this point. Granted, not all things are under my control, but my god, I can do something about the things that are.

I don't mean to go off on a tangent, and I don't expect a lot of comments or anything, it just feels sort of fog lifting to put thoughts into actual words, that's very hard for me to do. IF I write it down and see it, this is the way I feel, then I can own that feeling, instead of have this mush inside of me.