Love/Hate?

They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. So, I'm in a love/hate relationship with my body. Actually, I hate my body, and I'm currently trying to learn to love it. Its sort of like, how can you expect anyone to love what you wont? So how could I expect anyone to love what I don't? Its a conundrum, lol. Its a very difficult place to be, but honestly, I've been here my whole life. I've never been happy with me, and I'm trying to change that, I'm trying to come to terms with me, and be happy with me. Its sort of hard to change something that was hard wired into you; as I'm changing it in myself, I'm trying to prevent that same mindset in my children. I know that in order to love it, I need to change what can be changed; I also need to recognize the difference between what can be changed, and what can't, and learn to accept that which cannot be changed. (God give me strength!) When I look at pictures of me, or at myself in the mirror, apparently what I see is not what others see; I don't want to describe what I see, lol, afraid that if I point it out, others will go "oh, yeah, there it is, I see it now!"

So, I've always imagined myself as this aloof, stand-offish, loner type of person. Someone recently told me that after spending a little bit of time with me, she feels like I'm sort of desperate for some kind of acceptance, craving friendship and love. So I don't know how I come off anymore, lol. I think I prefer to come off as a loner than as desperate ;). Then again, I would like to be a well rounded individual who, when I see someone at a football game that I "know", I wave and say hi, even if that's all, instead of being hung up on myself and ignoring that person, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, and then the next thing I hear is that that person that I didn't say hi to dies in a car crash.

I constantly go through this phase of wanting to "do better", be better, look better, feel better, etc. and I never do anything about it. And I'm sick of it. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm stuck in this current, and life is sweeping me wherever I land. I would like to have a little direction, as much as could possibly be controlled by myself at this point. Granted, not all things are under my control, but my god, I can do something about the things that are.

I don't mean to go off on a tangent, and I don't expect a lot of comments or anything, it just feels sort of fog lifting to put thoughts into actual words, that's very hard for me to do. IF I write it down and see it, this is the way I feel, then I can own that feeling, instead of have this mush inside of me.