A little release...

I typed this up last week, and debated about whether to post it somewhere, but then I realized that I always need this stuff to look back on and have for comparison later in my journey.

I'm very unhappy right now. I can't seem to find time to do anything I want to do for me, yet I am unable to complete the things that I am spending all my time doing. I am working 2 jobs; not that its doing me any good. I'm not necessarily making any more money than I was with just the 1; I need the 1, but I'm not making any money at it, simply because i'm not working as hard at it as I should be. I have the second job because it's a job doing something I love to do, doing something I've always wanted to do; yet I am very unhappy there, as well, mainly because of the people and all the bullshit they carry with them that I have to deal with, regardless of if it actually has something to do with me. So, I wake up at 4, start my 1 job. I'm supposed to be working from 4-8, then 4-8 on this job, but it never works out that way; this is a job that I have never been able to do set in time constraints. You have to just tell me what to do, and then let me do it, in my own time. If you tell me to work 7-3, or whatever, I will work 7-3, but I won't necessarily get my work done. If you want me to do 2000 lines a day, let me get on and off as I please, and I can guarantee you it will get done. Just don't expect me to do both, because that's not how I am.

So, I'm up at 4, working. But I'm not working straight through, cause I have to get the kids up, and then they are eating breakfast, and dragging ass, and I'm constantly on them; put up your dishes, get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, get your backpack, leave that alone. Like every day its something new. Then, around 615 I have to take my husband to work, which takes about 20 minutes of my morning. Now, depending on if I have to work at the clinic or not that day, once I get home, I have about 15 minutes before I have to leave the house to go to my second job. So, in this time, I'm making sure the kids are ready, whether or not that includes making them lunch or making sure they have everything, and then me a breakfast, and getting dressed, and brushing my teeth and hair, and hurriedly packing a lunch, and then running out the door. So, somehow, I've only managed to work about an hour and a half in that 3-hour time frame. So, at 7 I go to my second job. Which is great, I love Corrie, and I like Kristina, and I don't mind Able or Dr. Greer. I love the animals, I love talking to them, and calming them through this very terrifying experience of theirs. In all reality, I should probably quit this job, because its not doing me any favors. I'm wasting gas going to this job, I'm wasting time I could be working at my other job, which pays me twice as much when I get my ass in gear, and most of the people up there at the clinic strike some kind of anger chord in me, and I just know one of these days I'm going to end up slamming my elbow into somebody's nose accidentally-on purpose. but, I can't bring myself to quit, for several reasons. I get free care for my pets; since started working there, I have acquired 1 more dog and 2 more cats. Granted, I don't plan on keeping the cats, I'm just caring for them because they are really expensive exotic stud cats for a breeder, and I'm going to get a kitten out of the deal, but at this point, I'm rethinking the whole arrangement. 2 studs in 1 house does not make for a happy me. They are going around pissing on everything. They are literally having a pissing contest, and my house is what is getting sprayed. I've managed to contain the situation as of yesterday; I had Jon put the door back on to the "playroom", and that is where they stay. Strangely, they don't piss on anything in there. They fight at least once a day, and then take turns mounting each other. I'm assuming they are having a dominance issue, but I don't care. I just want them gone; if they were mine, their nuts would be cut off. At this point, I have to suffer through it until I decide what I want to do. I know what I want to do, but I don't think Jon is willing to go for it, because that would include me getting another cat, a female, knocking her up, and then getting rid of the 2 studs. BECAUSE, then we would have another cat that he doesn't want, plus all the babies that she's going to have that he doesn't want. *SIGH*

So, at this point, I'm a little stressed out about money, and honestly, we've been in this situation for a while, we've just managed to run from it till now. Now, we have a house. That we've bought, we aren't renting any more. And granted, the house payment is a bit more than the rent payment was, but we don't have a water bill, a sewer bill, a trash bill, and we got our car insurance lowered down, so now with the house insurance, its the same as it was before. But I seem to be doing worse, and I realize the situation we are in is my fault. Jon hasn't been bringing home less money; I have. And all I have to do is get my ass on the computer and do the work. But I have these moments, where I think of something else that needs to be done; a bill needs to be paid, a blog needs to be typed, a book needs to be looked up, or something else on the computer to do with something other than my work. And then, before I know it, its 2 oclock, I've sat here for nearly 8 hours straight, and have less than 1-hours worth of work to show for it.

So today, I get a notice from my supervisor; they are knocking me down from "employee status" to "IC" status, which means I'm no longer an employee, but an independent contractor. Which means I am now responsible for my own taxes. Ok, been here, done that, and didn't do it, so when tax time came, I was crunched for finding 5000 to pay the f*ing government. I don't want to be IC. So what choice do I have? Well, I could refuse to work as an IC. Right, oh, but then I'd have to find another job. ARRRRGGG This f*ing sucks, I am hating my life really badly right now, f*ing Thanksgiving is in 6 days, I have no extra money to go buy all the stuff, and of course everyone is coming here, so I have to cook all this crap. You know, we spend about as much money on the food for thanksgiving as we do for groceries for a week? And granted, there's a lot of extra food, we eat leftovers for like 3 days, but dammit. I kinda don't have the money for this. And thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, because there aren't the expectations of giving gifts, and hoping that somebody likes the gift that you got, even though you didn't know what to get, and then pretending to like the gift that somebody got you because they didn't know you well enough to know what to get you. I tell you, when I first had my kids, I almost decided not to do the whole santa thing. Some old fat man getting all the credit for all the cool gifts?? No f*ing way. We could celebrate Christmas after Christmas; hello, have you seen the sales they do after Christmas? of course, I was the only one in the family who felt that way, so I was vetoed down. And now it looks like we are going to have to have the "santa talk" with the kids this year. Yeah, they are 6 and 7, so I guess technically, they are old enough. But dammit, I don't want to have to tell them! Isn't the whole point of the process where they actually find out on their own? I don't know, I just remember one year I went from getting presents from santa to playing santa by laying out the presents. I don't remember how I found out, I just knew. actually, I do remember how I found out, and I was like 5, and that is too young. So how is it that 6 isnt? Any suggestions on how to have this talk with the kids, I'm all ears.

So, as if this wasn't random enough ramblings, I honestly don't remember the point of all this, except that I needed to get some stuff off my chest before I gave myself a freaking stroke. I get so stressed out sometimes, and most of the time there isn't any one factor that I can point at and say, there, that's it, that's what did it. It's everything on top of everything else, and its the f*ing holidays.

So, sorry to overload you, but it was either post it here, or delete after typed.

What I want

There are so many things I want to do with my time. With my life, my body, my mind, my spirit. And I don't want "I don't have any money, I don't have the time to do that" to be the excuse on my deathbed as to why it didn't get done. I would like to be able to say I did what I wanted to do, I lived how I wanted to live; My life, my way, not "I did what had to be done and I never got to think about myself". I'm wondering right now how selfish that is of me. Well, I guess that depends on what is given up/sacrificed in order to achieve that, right?

I get stuck on that question; you know, the one that's supposed to help you decide what to do with the rest of your life, your "dream job", if there is such a thing - If money was no object, and you could do anything you wanted, what would you do? Well, obviously, whatever you wound choose to do in your free time is what you should try to focus a career on, right? So, for me, for the longest time, I didn't have an answer to that question. No, seriously. And trust me on this, this is one of those questions that plagues me for some reason. I can't even tell you when or where I first heard this, but I know it was right out of high school for me. And I pretty much did not have much of an answer for the longest time; well, one that was readily interpretable, anyway. What would I do if I did not have to do anything? Nothing. Sleep, eat, read. Nothing.

So, for a very long time in my life, until fairly recently, I would not allow myself to dream about anything. I did not want to daydream about stuff, cause it was depressing. When I was a kid, I used to have vivid daydreams. Surely this is a result of me being in a situation where "out of site meant out of mind", and it was better to be out of mind than the alternative. Not to mention that I devoured books faster that they could be bought for me. So, I would sit, or lie, around, and spend great quantities of time making stuff up in my head. And boy, I could get into it, too; so much so that I wouldn't even know what was going on around me, and I could SEE what was in my head, and I could make myself laugh or cry based on my visions.

And then sometime, for some reason, I stopped. I don't even know when, or why, I just did. And whenever I would start to; we would drive around and look at houses, or cars, I would make myself stop. I shouldn't daydream about having that stuff, because its never going to happen, and it was just such a drag to come back to reality and not have that, or even be on the path to getting that. So, I've been stifling myself for years, for unknown reasons. I've only recently begun to allow myself this again. And in doing so, I've come up with a million things that I want to do at some point in my life.

We've recently bought a house. It was a very long, convoluted road, but it finally happened. And I can't even tell you how many times during the process of it, I didn't think it was going to happen. And it was so very hard, such a very difficult time, because we didn't have a safety net, or a back up plan. We had to just let go and believe and trust that it would happen. It had to, because we needed it to. So we put all our eggs in one basket, put our arms around each other, and just envisioned this happening for us. The alternative – well, there was no alternative. That was the problem. ;) We didn't have a back up, just in case, anything. And then, right when it looked like it wasn't going to happen (we had a rough 2 weeks there), it did. It worked out. And normally, I would not have allowed myself to think about it – getting in, I mean. I used to think it was bad luck to do that – whatever it was you were wanting or hoping for or trying to buy or get, if you thought about it being yours, what would you do with it, where would you arrange the furniture, how would you decorate, which room for which kid, that would ruin it, and it would not happen. Apparently, that's the opposite of how you're supposed to be. You're supposed to imagine owning that house, or that car, or that whatever. You're supposed to envision all your belongings there, and imagine your daily life there; taking a shower in that shower, opening the closet to see your clothes there, sitting at your dining room table there, washing dishes, watching TV, playing in the garden, ripping up wallpaper, painting rooms. It's supposed to make it more of a reality.

Making visual aids is supposed to be helpful, too. Get a poster board, and tape up pictures of things you want, places you want to go, things you want to do. But its not enough to just covet those things. You have to imagine yourself using that, driving that, living there; actually being on that vacation, wearing that outfit. Wanting it badly enough is not enough, you have to be able to SEE yourself with it. And I used to be so good at seeing things…

So, now that I no longer (well, still working on it, but at least I recognize it) am blocking myself from seeing what I want, I've opened myself up to so much. I almost forgot what I always wanted to be as a little girl when I grew up. And that propelled me to finding another job, one that would actually make me happy, or that I don't hate. Is it perfect? By no means. But it makes me a little happier in ways.

There are other things I would like to explore, other chances I would like to take. Other dreams I would like to recover.

So, my list of things that I would like to do if money were no object is growing. And hopefully, will continue to grow. Isn't that a criteria of life, never having all you want? When one dream comes true, another takes it place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. Because, if you stop wanting, don't you stop living?

Just for the record...

I am not a subtle person. Well, actually, to know whether or not I am capable of being subtle, you'd have to ask someone who knows me. I don't do very well judging my own capabilities. But, I don't pick up on subtleties too well. You have to flat out tell me whatever it is that you want me to know, no hinting, winking, elbowing, whatever. You can't say something that could mean 3 things, and expect me to understand which one you want me to get. Oh, I get it. I'm just not going to assume whichever one it is is you want me to get is the one you want me to get. I'd rather not put myself in that situation. So, I'll sit like an idiot, and either pretend I know what you mean, while keeping in mind all the options as to what you mean, and maybe figure it out later, or I'll completely act like I don't know what the hell your talking about, which usually frustrates the hell out of people.

I think that's part of the reason I prefer books to movies. There is so much left to understanding in movies; your supposed to get what that facial expression meant she was thinking, or what the guesture was that he made meant. In books, they flat out tell you what she was thinking, and what he meant.

At the same time, I'm probably going to assume the worst, whever it was that you said that could mean anything. I know, how very pessimistic of me; but hey, I consider myself a realist, and I go on what I've experienced before. This is in no way necessarily a reflection of you, just me. If I know you well enough, yeah, I can assume some stuff. But I'm not gonna; I'm not a mind reader, and that's what alot of it feels like; you want me to read your mind, and I'm not doing that.

Another thing I am going to assume, based on your actions and attitude towards me or life in general, is the kind of person you are, or your feelings towards/about me. Yes, I know, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, boo-hoo. Get over it. I have. I don't complain about it, I simply state it as a fact. I'm not looking for a best friend, so don't think that's what I want.

I sometimes think I can't or don't get across the kind of person that I think that I am; maybe the kind of person that I think that I am isn't the same kind of person that I portray myself to be. Is that wierd? lol. I may assume something, but I do not judge. That is one thing I strive to be; nonjudgemental. I like to listen to what other people think, and base my own thoughts and opinions on that; but I don't judge you for what you think is right or wrong. I like to think of myself as an independent person; I don't have a lot of friends, and that's ok. I don't necessarily want a lot of friends. I may not want to be your friend, either ;). But that doesn't mean that we can't be nice to each other.

Sometimes I think I'm an "old soul"... I can't think of another way to put it. Mature, I guess? I think silly things are stupid, and I can't be silly very often. I'm too serious, I guess, most of the time. I can have fun, but I don't necessarily think the stupid things that can get you in trouble so to speak are fun. So I usually get along better with people older than me than people my age. Its always been that way for me.

As if this wasn't a random enough entry for you. I find blogs to be great, in a confessional sort of way. Very cathartic. And in my case, I find that either nobody reads or nobody cares, so its almost like I can say anything I want, get it out in the open, so to speak, "relase it to the universe". I try to be a less negative person; I know the kind of person I want to be around is a positive person. I don't look for the negative in everything, I just find that what surrounds me doesn't have much positivity to it ;)

Contemplation

So, my weight is slowly creeping back up. Its winter, I suppose my body thinks it needs the extra padding. But Dammit, its Texas!! The coldest day we've had here is 60!!!! And that was in the morning, by noon it was 75!!!

And I can only be mad at myself. Yeah, I'm not able to do low carb at the moment, I'm trying to squelch by on cheap food instead of what I was getting before. But that doesn't mean I have to eat bad, right? I have no willpower right now for some reason. I can't stop myself from eating bad, and apparently watching the scale creep up needs to be my inspiration to stop, because I certainly do not want to be all the way back up to 200, where I started. I'm up 5 now, I need to nip this upward trend in the bud before it gets the better of me. Sometimes, when my life is so out of control busy, and I am running everywhere, I seem to not care what is going on with my food, or my body. Well, I do care about my body, but I sort of become disgusted with it, and then continue to do what I was doing. When I was low-carbing before, I had 1 job; at home, didn't have to do anything but stay home all the time. Now, my life has been turned upside down 3 different ways, and me is the last thing I get to think about. I'm putting this down, out of my brain, so that maybe I will wake up and go, AHA! I need to fix this, instead of stewing about it and doing nothing.

It's official

He got his slip today. In 3 weeks, Jon will officially be on 2nd shift again. (yeah, that's 1 week of working, and 2 weeks laid off :(. Rumor has it, and its all rumor and speculation cause the f*ing company doesn't like to divulge any information to us, we are just the peones, but the rumor is that this is going to last 10 months. So, second shift is 330-12 (midnight). Guess when that leaves for him to see his kids? Weekends. Yup. Aren't you just so thrilled for us??

Yeah, I know, everything happens for a reason. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Sooo....

What do you do when you walk into a room full of people who are in the middle of a conversation that is so obviously about you? Well, I guess if your me, you continue to walk by them and ignore them, right? The whole time your a little pissed, because it sounds like whatever impression you made was wrong, and they are now assuming something about you. And it doesn't matter, you can argue all you want, your not going to convince anyone of anything they don't want to believe with your words alone. But, now, if you care, which I don't, you've got to work extra hard to make whatever that impression was go away. But, I don't care, so I'm not. But, then you get called back for whatever reason, so now you can't ignore them. And so your standing there, and obviously being ignored while your taking care of business. And you just wanted to go in the first place, you didn't even want to be there anymore. And the whole time, I can't help but just want to scream at her, FUCK YOU, stupid bitch, and then maybe bang her head up against the wall. But, I don't want to get fired, so I keep it to myself. and nearly stroke myself out once I get to the car and start screaming there. So now, I can't help but wish that something would happen where she needs me one day, and I can cooly ignore her, all the same. Because no matter what else happens, anything else would just come off stupid, and immature, and me being irrational. So I will go on, ignoring those that don't bother getting over whatever initial impression they had of me, whatever that was, I still haven't figured out why I put out such a "HATE ME" vibe. I will do my job in this uncomfortable environment, and pray that I don't get caught into another situation where I have to be alone with them again.

Day 2...

Soooo. Yeah, well, umm, this is day 2 for this week for me, and it looks like its going to hell in a handbasket, pretty much like all the ones before. Its been practically impossible for me to get back on the low-carb wagon; for many reasons, main one being we are cutting way back on bills, and trying to save money, and the groceries is where it has to get cut, and low-carbing, not exactly the cheapest diet there is. So, I'm trying to turn to exercise to help me at least feel better about myself, like I'm actually doing something... I planned on getting started on Monday. I got called into my second job on Monday, worked all day, then had dance after, and an end of the season soccer party, not to mention my at home job that I work. So, monday was out. Today, I was at home, working, and then I had to go to the school to watch a little play my son was doing, and then take my daughter to the doctor, and all this time I'm still driving my husband to and from work since we only have one operating vehicle...so needless to say, today has gone out the window, as well. So, I'm scheduled to work my second job for the rest of the week, Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Well crap. I certainly don't feel like coming home and exercising with a house full of people, not to mention I wake up at 4 am to work my at home job, get my kids ready for school, take my husband to work, put the kids on the bus, go to my second job at 7, work till 3, pick my husband up from work, then start my at home job at 4. Hello, does anyone have the formula for freezing time?? Cause I don't have enough of it to get it all done in one day.

thud.gif

Officially a "first lady in waiting"

Kathryn had her Dancing Dolls workshop tonight; On Thursday, November 15, at 7 oclock at the Whitehouse High School Gym, she will be performing in the Drill Team Showcase thing whatever. LOL. Here she is, my official "first lady in waiting" She also got an award for "Killer Kicks", lol.



Kathryn First Lady dance

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November, huh?

Wow, November 1st. Anyone else wondering where the hell October went? Last I checked, it was October 5th. That was pretty much when our life came to screeching halt almost around here. That was the day after my birthday. We went out to dinner for my birthday; mmmm, guacamole, margaritas, and kahlua cake!! Oh, I know, its so bad, I shouldn't have. Birthday's don't count, right? *sigh*

So, we come home from dinner, with the message on the answering machine from my husband's mom; she's crying, and pretty hysterical, we can't hardly understand her. We have to listen to it about 3-4 times to understand what she said. My husband's uncle, the man who raised him pretty much from the ages of 1-10, was in the hospital from a massive coronary.

So, I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about exactly what happened, but basically the whole story with the families fighting over the dead people's stuff; that was pretty much us. It was horrible, My husband's mom was horrible, and somehow, after we said let it go, we aren't going to worry about it anymore, it got drug out longer than it should have, it was a very stressful situation, we spent alot of days and nights crying and praying over the whole thing. I am hopeful that with a new month comes a new wave of emotion; I'm tired of my MySpace mood being stressed wink.gif

So, in other news, Halloween is the mosestest evilist holiday there is. I don't even want to talk about how much candy is in this house.

I'm so anxious to get back to working out, but it always seems like there is something to prevents me from doing it. I hurt my back last weekend, or I'll start my period, or I'll just be too tired from working my 2 jobs and having kids and a husband. Soccer for the kids is winding down finally, so that will be 2 days less of something to do during the week. But then, in January, basketball starts wink.gif

We are remodeling the house now; sort of. We are tearing down wallpaper and painting rooms. Its turned into more of an ordeal than I originally thought; the wallpaper is original paper, so when it was put on, they put it directly on the sheetrock; there is no paint underneath. Its very tedious work, pulling off paper, my hands and fingers really hurt wink.gif. But, we've bought all the paint already, and I'm anxious to see how the rooms will look when its finally done. We have big dreams and aspirations for the kitchen and bathrooms, but for now we will have to content ourselves with the painting only

I'm still having a hard time with myself. I'm trying so very hard to be positive, but I can't convince myself I'm worthy enough most times. I try to just, I don't know, fake it till I make it sort of thing, but I have so much self doubt, it doesn't take much for me to lose my momentum and go, what's the point, why bother? and this, sadly, applies to so many aspects of my life, from diet, exercise, trying to have better body confidence, trying to make new friends, trying to have a better outlook on life. Plus, I have all these questions, things I don't understand, I can't seem to find a way to ask them where I can get an honest, straight answer, without people looking at me like I'm insane for even thinking the questions wink.gif Like why are we attracted to who we are attracted to? LOL. There are just some things I am trying to understand, and maybe that's one of those "purpose of life" questions that doesn't really have an answer. It is what it is because it is. That's all.