A little release...

I typed this up last week, and debated about whether to post it somewhere, but then I realized that I always need this stuff to look back on and have for comparison later in my journey.

I'm very unhappy right now. I can't seem to find time to do anything I want to do for me, yet I am unable to complete the things that I am spending all my time doing. I am working 2 jobs; not that its doing me any good. I'm not necessarily making any more money than I was with just the 1; I need the 1, but I'm not making any money at it, simply because i'm not working as hard at it as I should be. I have the second job because it's a job doing something I love to do, doing something I've always wanted to do; yet I am very unhappy there, as well, mainly because of the people and all the bullshit they carry with them that I have to deal with, regardless of if it actually has something to do with me. So, I wake up at 4, start my 1 job. I'm supposed to be working from 4-8, then 4-8 on this job, but it never works out that way; this is a job that I have never been able to do set in time constraints. You have to just tell me what to do, and then let me do it, in my own time. If you tell me to work 7-3, or whatever, I will work 7-3, but I won't necessarily get my work done. If you want me to do 2000 lines a day, let me get on and off as I please, and I can guarantee you it will get done. Just don't expect me to do both, because that's not how I am.

So, I'm up at 4, working. But I'm not working straight through, cause I have to get the kids up, and then they are eating breakfast, and dragging ass, and I'm constantly on them; put up your dishes, get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, get your backpack, leave that alone. Like every day its something new. Then, around 615 I have to take my husband to work, which takes about 20 minutes of my morning. Now, depending on if I have to work at the clinic or not that day, once I get home, I have about 15 minutes before I have to leave the house to go to my second job. So, in this time, I'm making sure the kids are ready, whether or not that includes making them lunch or making sure they have everything, and then me a breakfast, and getting dressed, and brushing my teeth and hair, and hurriedly packing a lunch, and then running out the door. So, somehow, I've only managed to work about an hour and a half in that 3-hour time frame. So, at 7 I go to my second job. Which is great, I love Corrie, and I like Kristina, and I don't mind Able or Dr. Greer. I love the animals, I love talking to them, and calming them through this very terrifying experience of theirs. In all reality, I should probably quit this job, because its not doing me any favors. I'm wasting gas going to this job, I'm wasting time I could be working at my other job, which pays me twice as much when I get my ass in gear, and most of the people up there at the clinic strike some kind of anger chord in me, and I just know one of these days I'm going to end up slamming my elbow into somebody's nose accidentally-on purpose. but, I can't bring myself to quit, for several reasons. I get free care for my pets; since started working there, I have acquired 1 more dog and 2 more cats. Granted, I don't plan on keeping the cats, I'm just caring for them because they are really expensive exotic stud cats for a breeder, and I'm going to get a kitten out of the deal, but at this point, I'm rethinking the whole arrangement. 2 studs in 1 house does not make for a happy me. They are going around pissing on everything. They are literally having a pissing contest, and my house is what is getting sprayed. I've managed to contain the situation as of yesterday; I had Jon put the door back on to the "playroom", and that is where they stay. Strangely, they don't piss on anything in there. They fight at least once a day, and then take turns mounting each other. I'm assuming they are having a dominance issue, but I don't care. I just want them gone; if they were mine, their nuts would be cut off. At this point, I have to suffer through it until I decide what I want to do. I know what I want to do, but I don't think Jon is willing to go for it, because that would include me getting another cat, a female, knocking her up, and then getting rid of the 2 studs. BECAUSE, then we would have another cat that he doesn't want, plus all the babies that she's going to have that he doesn't want. *SIGH*

So, at this point, I'm a little stressed out about money, and honestly, we've been in this situation for a while, we've just managed to run from it till now. Now, we have a house. That we've bought, we aren't renting any more. And granted, the house payment is a bit more than the rent payment was, but we don't have a water bill, a sewer bill, a trash bill, and we got our car insurance lowered down, so now with the house insurance, its the same as it was before. But I seem to be doing worse, and I realize the situation we are in is my fault. Jon hasn't been bringing home less money; I have. And all I have to do is get my ass on the computer and do the work. But I have these moments, where I think of something else that needs to be done; a bill needs to be paid, a blog needs to be typed, a book needs to be looked up, or something else on the computer to do with something other than my work. And then, before I know it, its 2 oclock, I've sat here for nearly 8 hours straight, and have less than 1-hours worth of work to show for it.

So today, I get a notice from my supervisor; they are knocking me down from "employee status" to "IC" status, which means I'm no longer an employee, but an independent contractor. Which means I am now responsible for my own taxes. Ok, been here, done that, and didn't do it, so when tax time came, I was crunched for finding 5000 to pay the f*ing government. I don't want to be IC. So what choice do I have? Well, I could refuse to work as an IC. Right, oh, but then I'd have to find another job. ARRRRGGG This f*ing sucks, I am hating my life really badly right now, f*ing Thanksgiving is in 6 days, I have no extra money to go buy all the stuff, and of course everyone is coming here, so I have to cook all this crap. You know, we spend about as much money on the food for thanksgiving as we do for groceries for a week? And granted, there's a lot of extra food, we eat leftovers for like 3 days, but dammit. I kinda don't have the money for this. And thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, because there aren't the expectations of giving gifts, and hoping that somebody likes the gift that you got, even though you didn't know what to get, and then pretending to like the gift that somebody got you because they didn't know you well enough to know what to get you. I tell you, when I first had my kids, I almost decided not to do the whole santa thing. Some old fat man getting all the credit for all the cool gifts?? No f*ing way. We could celebrate Christmas after Christmas; hello, have you seen the sales they do after Christmas? of course, I was the only one in the family who felt that way, so I was vetoed down. And now it looks like we are going to have to have the "santa talk" with the kids this year. Yeah, they are 6 and 7, so I guess technically, they are old enough. But dammit, I don't want to have to tell them! Isn't the whole point of the process where they actually find out on their own? I don't know, I just remember one year I went from getting presents from santa to playing santa by laying out the presents. I don't remember how I found out, I just knew. actually, I do remember how I found out, and I was like 5, and that is too young. So how is it that 6 isnt? Any suggestions on how to have this talk with the kids, I'm all ears.

So, as if this wasn't random enough ramblings, I honestly don't remember the point of all this, except that I needed to get some stuff off my chest before I gave myself a freaking stroke. I get so stressed out sometimes, and most of the time there isn't any one factor that I can point at and say, there, that's it, that's what did it. It's everything on top of everything else, and its the f*ing holidays.

So, sorry to overload you, but it was either post it here, or delete after typed.