Loneliness

This is sort of long-winded; sometimes I get into moods to actually journal. Its kind of sad to me that I didn't really have anywhere to put this without worrying about who was going to see it, and the repercussions of that.

Most of the time, I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I revel in it. I usually feel smothered if I don’t get alone time. But, I have noticed lately, I am very lonely right now. I don’t feel like I have anyone in my life at this time, not really. I’m sure part of these feelings are coming from the fact that my husband is working nights, and I’m working days, and when I leave in the morning, I say “see you tomorrow” 3 days out of the week. These 3 days are filled with running around, extracurricular activities for the kids, and such. The other 2 nights are busy as well; I make him dinner and take it to him so we can spend a bit of time together. This is only part of it, though. I recently lost my best friend in a “fight, argument, difference of opinion”, or what have you. It was silly, I suppose, but I guess I cared a bit too much and she not enough. The sad thing is, I don’t really know if she could have been considered my best friend. Doesn’t everybody have that one person they can tell anything and everything to? I don’t have that in anybody. Not her; not even my husband.

I can’t really talk to my husband; we sort of just co-exist peacefully. There’s something about us; I don’t know what it is, but we can’t seem to communicate well. We’ve been married for 9 years (in February), and we were together for 1.5 years before that. And we have had our terrible bouts of downs. I mean, I guess we’ve had our ups, too; but from where I’m standing, the downs seem more down than the ups were up. So, we’ve had our share of problems, and we’ve had our talks through them. And they are so frustrating. I honestly, at this point, don’t even know if it’s me or him. I’ve somehow been able to make myself clear to others, though I will admit to having the problem of thinking faster than I can speak (or write), and sometimes I don’t make sense in what I’m trying to say. But, we just don’t “get” each other easily. Everything is such a struggle; honestly. He says that my problem is that whatever my initial impression of his words was, whether it’s right or not, sticks with me and I can’t get passed it. My problem is, he says something, and then later on he will change it; either it wasn’t what he meant or it came out wrong, and then I’m all confused about what we are talking about anymore. This happens practically every time we have any meaningful conversation. And we’ll do the thing where we swear to be honest with each other, and tell what our problems are and whatever is bothering us, and somehow, at the end of my talk, I have to apologize to him for bringing it up, because I’ve somehow made him feel inadequate, or like he’s not good enough for me. This is never my intention going into the conversation; I think a lot of this stems from our serious “downs”; his own insecurities in those issues.

So, people ask me frequently if my husband is my best friend, and sadly, I have to say no, because I am so careful with him about what I say or my reaction in a situation is or other such nonsense, and I think this mainly comes from me wanting to be a peacemaker; sort of. I don’t like “pretending” or lying, but I also want to avoid confrontation. So, I will hide certain things to prevent any sort of difficult discussions.

So, I was talking to this girl today, and she was talking about another person, and she said “they don’t live in the same reality as everyone else” and I said “does anyone live in the same reality as everyone else?” So, I’m wondering if my feelings of loneliness are silly, in that I’m wanting more of something but not sure what? What if the relationships I have are fulfilling enough, and I’m ruining them with my unhappiness and my wanting more? The girl I was talking to, she’s a coworker. I really like her; she’s a friend on MySpace, and I’ve watched her dog for her, and loaned her movies, and she’s bought me coffee. But we don’t do anything outside of work together. I don’t with anybody. And sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with me because of that. I see all these other people, and I SEE how they are accepted in ways that I am not, not just coworker, but friend. I am often left wondering what is wrong with me; why is it so hard to make friends for me? Someone the other day suggested that maybe I was picky. LOL. I don’t really think that’s it. There are plenty of people I’m attracted to making friends with, but I guess I am not that interesting of a person to be sought out; and I am completely socially inept. I don’t know many ways of drawing someone out without coming on too strong, or appearing like a psycho or desperate or something; so when those pitiful attempts fail, I can do nothing but sit and wait in the background, hoping to be noticed, or hope for someone else to come by.

I don’t believe I’m a difficult person to get along with; I’m fairly quiet for the most part. I can be a good listener, I can come up with anecdotal stories for some things, and I am a very open person. One thing I strive for in my personality is to be nonjudgmental. I haven’t yet found an easy way to explain this, but I feel like an empty slate; I don’t have strong opinions on everything, so I like to hear about others’ opinions so I can draw my own from theirs. When I do have opinions about something; I don’t know, I don’t know how I come off, maybe too strong, but I’m not one of those people who will slam others for not agreeing with me or having a different set of opinions. Things are just too fluid to me; things are very rarely simply black and white. I could never be a debater; I can so often see both sides of everything; not only see both sides, but even somewhat agree to both, as well. LOL.

I’ve joined a few online forums to maybe help with my loneliness, but that can only go so far; I’m not really a very outgoing person, and that in and of itself is enough for me to get lost in the masses. And then there are those that I think I have connected with, but it’s very likely that’s only in my own head. Not to mention it’s hard to make yourself clear over forum/email/writing. So, here I float in cyberspace, and real space, just wanting something; to be noticed, liked, loved, connected to.